Noodles and nutters (14/10/12)

So, in the last blog, I said I would do one of these for every day but frankly I can't be arsed and some days are proper dull and I have nothing to write about. But I am going to write one today - about yesterday (Sunday 14th Oct)

 I was up at 7. I had big plans. A day of important school work and a few other bits and pieces. But obviously very little of that happened because I am literally the laziest person I know! I could probably blame it on my cold but tbh that would be foolish because it was very similar to the previous Sunday and the one before that and the one before that!

I was quite ill though - I didn't even have any breakfast! (Although I more than made up for it later but I'll come onto it - be patient!) 

The one job I did manage to get done was tidy up my room - and boy did it need it!! It was a write tip - you couldn't move for discarded plastic bottles and university prospectuses. But now it looks quite nice and that's quite nice!

I don't remember much between then and Sunday lunch. Which is odd because Sunday Lunch weren't served till 2! Something must have happened in-between. I know, though, it'll have been one of two things:

a) I fell asleep.

b) I was wanking. This one is more likely tbh, I'm normally wanking!

Anyway. 

In the afternoon I watched a couple of films. Most people wouldn't bat an eyelid but it's odd behaviour for me, I normally watch 2 films a year! I must clarify though - I don't subscribe to some film channel/ service; nor did I purchase DVDs. These would be proper weird behaviours. The kind that a filmo would do! I am definitely not a filmo! 

No, I watched them on the BBC iPlayer. I love the BBC. And the iPlayer makes me love them even more! People often moan about license fees and such but it's only a few quid  and you get some bloody marvellous programmes. And you get the iPlayer which means you can watch even more of them! I can't count the number of times I've just been bored and scrolling through iPlayer only to find something brilliant I wouldn't have otherwise watched! (why just before I wrote this I discovered that the first 2 episodes of Gavin & Stacey were on the iPlayer. I've never watched this but heard it's quite good - so I thought: fuck it! Lets watch! And I'm glad I did, they were proper funny!)

Anyway, films!

(Should warn that I will be giving away the ending of both films so don't get annoyed - I've warned you!)

The first film I watched was a weird one. It was plainly set in London and used British actors but it had a sickeningly American feel to it! This film is called "Sliding doors". 

It was an odd plot. This woman got fired from her job for nicking vodka. She then went to get the tube home. She was running for the tube but it was already sitting there as she came down the stairs. And this is where it gets odd - the film splits up into two: one where she catches the tube, one where she misses it. 

In the one where she misses it, she goes and gets a cab. This is where I first take issue! Admittedly I don't live in London but whenever I've been there the tubes seem to be between every 2 minutes and every 10 minutes. She had nothing to do with her day now anyway so why did he go and get a cab? It's totes illogical! Anyway, as the cab is pulling up, some guy attempts to mug her and only achieves in causing her a minor cut above the eye. Nevertheless, the cabby decides to take her to A&E when a plaster would do! This whole ordeal means she is quite late getting home. (Incidentally, her name is Helen. Names are gonna be important because pronouns alone will make my dissection quite confusing!) Meanwhile, in the other version of reality when Helen catches the tube, Helen has got back to her flat to catch her boyfriend (Gerry) in bed with another girl (Lydia). Obviously, Helen isn't best pleased and fucks off and stays with her friend (Anna). Also, on the tube, Helen got chatting to a creepy Scottish bloke (James). (If you're thinking about the Helen that got into the cab - don't. This version of reality is quite dull other than she becomes a waitress instead of a sandwich delivery woman like she does in the other reality) Later on Anna takes Helen out to drink and that but they bump into James again. Anyway, at the end of the night James takes Anna & Helen in his cab to take them home and that. Anyway, at some point later James takes Helen out on a date to get milkshake and they eventually get together. I don't remember what happens next but here's the state of play going into the final scenes:

One: Helen, who caught the tube, is happily with James. However she's pregnant by him but hasn't told him yet. Meanwhile, Gerry has split up with Lydia because she doesn't like the fact that he is still obsessed with Helen. Also, Lydia is pregnant by Gerry but no-one cares because we don't see them in the final scenes.

Two: Helen discovered that Gerry was fucking Lydia all along. They split up but unbeknownst to Gerry Helen is carrying his baby. Although, before Helen found out Lydia, Lydia and Gerry had actually split. Also, Lydia was still carrying Gerry's baby!

So, everyone clear? Then I shall present the final scenes in a table format:

One	Two
Helen stupidly stands in the middle of the road when a van hits her. Which is her own fucking fault because SHE WAS STANDING IN A FUCKING ROAD! Anyway, an ambulance takes her to hospital! James goes with her.	For some reason, I remember not why, she falls down some stairs. She goes in ambulance. Even though she’s just split up from Gerry, he goes with her anyway.
James finds out Helen was pregnant when he’s told she’s lost her baby.	Gerry finds out Helen was pregnant when he’s told she’s lost her baby.
Helen dies. L	Helen pulls through and immediately tells Gerry to fuck off. Gets in a lift and meets James. We presume they live happily ever after…

I think the reason why I find this film so odd is because it didn't have an obvious point. 

This blog has really dragged so far - don't worry though, I'm at least a third of the way through what i wanted to write. (I wish that was a joke!)

So, the second film I watched was an even weirder film called "Sydney White". This was billed as a modern retelling of snow white. It wasn't really.

Unlike the first film which just felt American - this film was unashamedly, in-your-face American. 

It was set at an American university. There was a lot in this film that I had to Google. There was a lot of cultural stuff which is really un-British!

Anyway, this girl (Sydney White) arrives at a uni. She is a kappa pledge (means she might be joining this weird social elite group) but she is only one through "legacy" (her mum was in it) not because she's rich. Anyway, she gets kicked out by their leader bitch. She goes and lives with these seven creepy blokes in some death-trap shit-hole. The Kappa peeps pretty much run the student council despite taking 20% of student population. So Sydney decides her and the 7 creepy blokes will run for student council - her as president over the bitch girl. Anyway, they decide to represent the minorities so they go see transvestites reading poetry and jews. Then a debate comes. Thing is its the same day that Sydney's final essay is due in. The day before the bitch girl pays some nerd to put a virus on her computer and it all dies. Sydney spends the whole night we-writing, does it, but then nearly sleeps through the debate! :o So some fit bloke comes and kisses her awake!! She turns up for the debate but its just her seven creeps and the kappa girls there!! Then suddenly a brassband, a transvestite and a shitload of jews show up! Annoyingly, they defy the debate format (the chair does nothing to stop this) while everyone says there a dork. Its a bit shit. They should have debated. Sydney had better policies! But, regardless, the film never goes as far as the election so who cares who wins!

Some other things in the film:

• Because they felt the need to have a parallel to the mirror in snow white, there is this creepy anti-feminist thing where guys rank girls.
• One of the creepy seven gets with a cute girl because they bonded over having a gluten allergy!

Anyway, the film was, technically at least, proper shit! However, it was quite funny and I got into it! I do recommend it if you want a totally unchallenging film to watch while you're half asleep!

In the evening, we went for noodles and stuff (by we, I mean me and my nerd crew). I'm sure there where things I was gonna say about that but this has dragged on quite a lot so I'll leave it. 

Also, I was gonna talk about that guy that guy who judged from the "edge of space". I was gonna be witty about whether it really was the edge of space and why someone would do that. Hence "nutters" in the title. I will leave this one line that I would have used because it's damn funny: 

The people who really annoy me are those who say "I've always wanted to do a sky dive, I'm gonna do one for charity!" What? You said you've always wanted to do it. Does that mean I can do masturbating and watching jeremy kyle for charity?

Anyway, I'm bored now so I'll be off soon.

While writing this, I've been watching newsnight. There were discussing Scottish independence. It got me angry. Devo max is obviously the best way forward but it's not even a fucking option!!

Anyway, goodbye you weird weird people. If you got this far - get help seriously. This was awful!!

(PS sorry for the weird formatting of pirctures. I'm not sure why it is but I'm going to bed so fuck you!!)

Bla, bla, bla... something witty... Twitter: @Russell_LParker

EDIT:

I can't believe I forgot to include this originally but I did get the most amazing fortune cookie fortune EVER!! Here it is:

I know the picture's not very clear, it reads: "BRITISH GAS HAS MADE A MISTAKE, YOU WILL GET A REBATE". I don't even think I need any of my standard wit for this, it's just brilliant enough already!

Start of the new format. 6/10/12

So I haven't posted much recently. I've had a few mini-ideas for blogs but never actually had anything proper enough to write a proper blog. So, I've made a decision, seeing as blog is a corruption of web log, I thought I would turn my blog into just that - a log. Or, as it's more commonly known, a diary. It's been a busy few days so I thought I would retrospectively cover them. Starting with Saturday:

This was the day I was going to see my beloved Reading FC away at Swansea City. This meant having to get up at 7, well it didn't - it actually meant having to get up at 8 but I wanted my sausage sandwich beforehand so I was up at 7. Seven is an interesting time, no-one can deny it's early but in midweek you wouldn't bat an eyelid - at the weekend it is annoying. But not that bad - a fortnight later I'll have to be up by 6 because we're away to Liverpool that day.

So anyway, I got up and that and went down to the Madstad (local nickname for Reading's Madejski Stadium) to hop on the coach. I don't have much to say about the journey down. We crossed the bridge in good time and got to Magor services within an hour and a half. It always shocks me just how close Wales is. I like to romanticise Wales as a very different place. My grandma and her family are from Rhondda and I always feel like it's some simpler place that I have a natural connection to. In reality that is bollocks. And as I said, I can never get over how close Wales is, if you say you're going to Wales for the day it sounds proper long but if you say you're going to just the other side of Bristol it sounds like a short journey. And, at the end of the day, that's all south Wales is - that bit on the other side of Bristol.

We arrived at the ground at 13.30. The end bit of the journey is very convenient, like most modern grounds it's been built as close to a motorway junction as is safe. I like this. This blog is getting dull so I'll try to pick it up a bit.

The Liberty Stadium is beautiful, well not beautiful but nice. Very good view, even for a modern ground. I also had a lovely chicken curry pie. That's brilliant.

The game came and went, I may watch a lot of football but I know nothing about it really so I won't analyse it too much but basically we were 2-0 up at half time despite only getting the ball twice. The second half was similar only they were the one that got 2 goals. Bummer. But, at least it meant 22 hours out the relegation zone. 

And then it was time for the journey back. First some context. I had been invited to one of my bessie mate's 18th party. I say party it was just some people in a house. It was due to start at 7. I couldn't see me getting there before 9. This, horribly, would mean I'd miss the Chinese takeaway. The pressure was on for us to get back as quick as we could.

The journey back was fairly dull to be honest. Except for one thing. A quite touching moment I thought. It really summed up Blokeiness. It involved the three blokes sat behind me. I will name them bloke 1, bloke 2 and bloke 3. In reality bloke 2 wasn't involved but I feel it necessary to point out he was there. 

Bloke 1: Did Steve tell you we lost the baby?

Bloke 3: No, shit! Sorry to hear that!

Bloke 1: Yeh, well we're just gonna have to keep trying I suppose.

Bloke 3: Well it means more fun for you then!

Bloke 2: That's why his missus is so sad, it isn't fun for her!

It really was amazingly, beautifully blokey. Sad new comes up and within seconds it's turned back to laughing and banter. Just brilliant - gotta keep laughing.

Anyway, back to my race against time. We got on the motorway at Swansea at 17:12; that in itself was incredible as a fortnight earlier, at West Brom, we hadn't left the vicinity of the ground till 17:45 due to the sheer weight of traffic; and incredibly we got back the the madstad at 19:44! I couldn't believe it - just an hour and a half to get from Swansea to Reading IN A FUCKING COACH!!!! Bloody incredible. Anyway, I ended up beating the Chinese food to the party arriving from 20:05 and all I could go on about was that I'd got back from Swansea in an hour and a half in a fucking coach!!

Enjoyed this?

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Bloody hell, why? This is shit!!

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