Noodles and nutters (14/10/12)

So, in the last blog, I said I would do one of these for every day but frankly I can't be arsed and some days are proper dull and I have nothing to write about. But I am going to write one today - about yesterday (Sunday 14th Oct)

 I was up at 7. I had big plans. A day of important school work and a few other bits and pieces. But obviously very little of that happened because I am literally the laziest person I know! I could probably blame it on my cold but tbh that would be foolish because it was very similar to the previous Sunday and the one before that and the one before that!

I was quite ill though - I didn't even have any breakfast! (Although I more than made up for it later but I'll come onto it - be patient!) 

The one job I did manage to get done was tidy up my room - and boy did it need it!! It was a write tip - you couldn't move for discarded plastic bottles and university prospectuses. But now it looks quite nice and that's quite nice!

I don't remember much between then and Sunday lunch. Which is odd because Sunday Lunch weren't served till 2! Something must have happened in-between. I know, though, it'll have been one of two things:

a) I fell asleep.

b) I was wanking. This one is more likely tbh, I'm normally wanking!

Anyway. 

In the afternoon I watched a couple of films. Most people wouldn't bat an eyelid but it's odd behaviour for me, I normally watch 2 films a year! I must clarify though - I don't subscribe to some film channel/ service; nor did I purchase DVDs. These would be proper weird behaviours. The kind that a filmo would do! I am definitely not a filmo! 

No, I watched them on the BBC iPlayer. I love the BBC. And the iPlayer makes me love them even more! People often moan about license fees and such but it's only a few quid  and you get some bloody marvellous programmes. And you get the iPlayer which means you can watch even more of them! I can't count the number of times I've just been bored and scrolling through iPlayer only to find something brilliant I wouldn't have otherwise watched! (why just before I wrote this I discovered that the first 2 episodes of Gavin & Stacey were on the iPlayer. I've never watched this but heard it's quite good - so I thought: fuck it! Lets watch! And I'm glad I did, they were proper funny!)

Anyway, films!

(Should warn that I will be giving away the ending of both films so don't get annoyed - I've warned you!)

The first film I watched was a weird one. It was plainly set in London and used British actors but it had a sickeningly American feel to it! This film is called "Sliding doors". 

It was an odd plot. This woman got fired from her job for nicking vodka. She then went to get the tube home. She was running for the tube but it was already sitting there as she came down the stairs. And this is where it gets odd - the film splits up into two: one where she catches the tube, one where she misses it. 

In the one where she misses it, she goes and gets a cab. This is where I first take issue! Admittedly I don't live in London but whenever I've been there the tubes seem to be between every 2 minutes and every 10 minutes. She had nothing to do with her day now anyway so why did he go and get a cab? It's totes illogical! Anyway, as the cab is pulling up, some guy attempts to mug her and only achieves in causing her a minor cut above the eye. Nevertheless, the cabby decides to take her to A&E when a plaster would do! This whole ordeal means she is quite late getting home. (Incidentally, her name is Helen. Names are gonna be important because pronouns alone will make my dissection quite confusing!) Meanwhile, in the other version of reality when Helen catches the tube, Helen has got back to her flat to catch her boyfriend (Gerry) in bed with another girl (Lydia). Obviously, Helen isn't best pleased and fucks off and stays with her friend (Anna). Also, on the tube, Helen got chatting to a creepy Scottish bloke (James). (If you're thinking about the Helen that got into the cab - don't. This version of reality is quite dull other than she becomes a waitress instead of a sandwich delivery woman like she does in the other reality) Later on Anna takes Helen out to drink and that but they bump into James again. Anyway, at the end of the night James takes Anna & Helen in his cab to take them home and that. Anyway, at some point later James takes Helen out on a date to get milkshake and they eventually get together. I don't remember what happens next but here's the state of play going into the final scenes:

One: Helen, who caught the tube, is happily with James. However she's pregnant by him but hasn't told him yet. Meanwhile, Gerry has split up with Lydia because she doesn't like the fact that he is still obsessed with Helen. Also, Lydia is pregnant by Gerry but no-one cares because we don't see them in the final scenes.

Two: Helen discovered that Gerry was fucking Lydia all along. They split up but unbeknownst to Gerry Helen is carrying his baby. Although, before Helen found out Lydia, Lydia and Gerry had actually split. Also, Lydia was still carrying Gerry's baby!

So, everyone clear? Then I shall present the final scenes in a table format:

One	Two
Helen stupidly stands in the middle of the road when a van hits her. Which is her own fucking fault because SHE WAS STANDING IN A FUCKING ROAD! Anyway, an ambulance takes her to hospital! James goes with her.	For some reason, I remember not why, she falls down some stairs. She goes in ambulance. Even though she’s just split up from Gerry, he goes with her anyway.
James finds out Helen was pregnant when he’s told she’s lost her baby.	Gerry finds out Helen was pregnant when he’s told she’s lost her baby.
Helen dies. L	Helen pulls through and immediately tells Gerry to fuck off. Gets in a lift and meets James. We presume they live happily ever after…

I think the reason why I find this film so odd is because it didn't have an obvious point. 

This blog has really dragged so far - don't worry though, I'm at least a third of the way through what i wanted to write. (I wish that was a joke!)

So, the second film I watched was an even weirder film called "Sydney White". This was billed as a modern retelling of snow white. It wasn't really.

Unlike the first film which just felt American - this film was unashamedly, in-your-face American. 

It was set at an American university. There was a lot in this film that I had to Google. There was a lot of cultural stuff which is really un-British!

Anyway, this girl (Sydney White) arrives at a uni. She is a kappa pledge (means she might be joining this weird social elite group) but she is only one through "legacy" (her mum was in it) not because she's rich. Anyway, she gets kicked out by their leader bitch. She goes and lives with these seven creepy blokes in some death-trap shit-hole. The Kappa peeps pretty much run the student council despite taking 20% of student population. So Sydney decides her and the 7 creepy blokes will run for student council - her as president over the bitch girl. Anyway, they decide to represent the minorities so they go see transvestites reading poetry and jews. Then a debate comes. Thing is its the same day that Sydney's final essay is due in. The day before the bitch girl pays some nerd to put a virus on her computer and it all dies. Sydney spends the whole night we-writing, does it, but then nearly sleeps through the debate! :o So some fit bloke comes and kisses her awake!! She turns up for the debate but its just her seven creeps and the kappa girls there!! Then suddenly a brassband, a transvestite and a shitload of jews show up! Annoyingly, they defy the debate format (the chair does nothing to stop this) while everyone says there a dork. Its a bit shit. They should have debated. Sydney had better policies! But, regardless, the film never goes as far as the election so who cares who wins!

Some other things in the film:

• Because they felt the need to have a parallel to the mirror in snow white, there is this creepy anti-feminist thing where guys rank girls.
• One of the creepy seven gets with a cute girl because they bonded over having a gluten allergy!

Anyway, the film was, technically at least, proper shit! However, it was quite funny and I got into it! I do recommend it if you want a totally unchallenging film to watch while you're half asleep!

In the evening, we went for noodles and stuff (by we, I mean me and my nerd crew). I'm sure there where things I was gonna say about that but this has dragged on quite a lot so I'll leave it. 

Also, I was gonna talk about that guy that guy who judged from the "edge of space". I was gonna be witty about whether it really was the edge of space and why someone would do that. Hence "nutters" in the title. I will leave this one line that I would have used because it's damn funny: 

The people who really annoy me are those who say "I've always wanted to do a sky dive, I'm gonna do one for charity!" What? You said you've always wanted to do it. Does that mean I can do masturbating and watching jeremy kyle for charity?

Anyway, I'm bored now so I'll be off soon.

While writing this, I've been watching newsnight. There were discussing Scottish independence. It got me angry. Devo max is obviously the best way forward but it's not even a fucking option!!

Anyway, goodbye you weird weird people. If you got this far - get help seriously. This was awful!!

(PS sorry for the weird formatting of pirctures. I'm not sure why it is but I'm going to bed so fuck you!!)

Bla, bla, bla... something witty... Twitter: @Russell_LParker

EDIT:

I can't believe I forgot to include this originally but I did get the most amazing fortune cookie fortune EVER!! Here it is:

I know the picture's not very clear, it reads: "BRITISH GAS HAS MADE A MISTAKE, YOU WILL GET A REBATE". I don't even think I need any of my standard wit for this, it's just brilliant enough already!

Start of the new format. 6/10/12

So I haven't posted much recently. I've had a few mini-ideas for blogs but never actually had anything proper enough to write a proper blog. So, I've made a decision, seeing as blog is a corruption of web log, I thought I would turn my blog into just that - a log. Or, as it's more commonly known, a diary. It's been a busy few days so I thought I would retrospectively cover them. Starting with Saturday:

This was the day I was going to see my beloved Reading FC away at Swansea City. This meant having to get up at 7, well it didn't - it actually meant having to get up at 8 but I wanted my sausage sandwich beforehand so I was up at 7. Seven is an interesting time, no-one can deny it's early but in midweek you wouldn't bat an eyelid - at the weekend it is annoying. But not that bad - a fortnight later I'll have to be up by 6 because we're away to Liverpool that day.

So anyway, I got up and that and went down to the Madstad (local nickname for Reading's Madejski Stadium) to hop on the coach. I don't have much to say about the journey down. We crossed the bridge in good time and got to Magor services within an hour and a half. It always shocks me just how close Wales is. I like to romanticise Wales as a very different place. My grandma and her family are from Rhondda and I always feel like it's some simpler place that I have a natural connection to. In reality that is bollocks. And as I said, I can never get over how close Wales is, if you say you're going to Wales for the day it sounds proper long but if you say you're going to just the other side of Bristol it sounds like a short journey. And, at the end of the day, that's all south Wales is - that bit on the other side of Bristol.

We arrived at the ground at 13.30. The end bit of the journey is very convenient, like most modern grounds it's been built as close to a motorway junction as is safe. I like this. This blog is getting dull so I'll try to pick it up a bit.

The Liberty Stadium is beautiful, well not beautiful but nice. Very good view, even for a modern ground. I also had a lovely chicken curry pie. That's brilliant.

The game came and went, I may watch a lot of football but I know nothing about it really so I won't analyse it too much but basically we were 2-0 up at half time despite only getting the ball twice. The second half was similar only they were the one that got 2 goals. Bummer. But, at least it meant 22 hours out the relegation zone. 

And then it was time for the journey back. First some context. I had been invited to one of my bessie mate's 18th party. I say party it was just some people in a house. It was due to start at 7. I couldn't see me getting there before 9. This, horribly, would mean I'd miss the Chinese takeaway. The pressure was on for us to get back as quick as we could.

The journey back was fairly dull to be honest. Except for one thing. A quite touching moment I thought. It really summed up Blokeiness. It involved the three blokes sat behind me. I will name them bloke 1, bloke 2 and bloke 3. In reality bloke 2 wasn't involved but I feel it necessary to point out he was there. 

Bloke 1: Did Steve tell you we lost the baby?

Bloke 3: No, shit! Sorry to hear that!

Bloke 1: Yeh, well we're just gonna have to keep trying I suppose.

Bloke 3: Well it means more fun for you then!

Bloke 2: That's why his missus is so sad, it isn't fun for her!

It really was amazingly, beautifully blokey. Sad new comes up and within seconds it's turned back to laughing and banter. Just brilliant - gotta keep laughing.

Anyway, back to my race against time. We got on the motorway at Swansea at 17:12; that in itself was incredible as a fortnight earlier, at West Brom, we hadn't left the vicinity of the ground till 17:45 due to the sheer weight of traffic; and incredibly we got back the the madstad at 19:44! I couldn't believe it - just an hour and a half to get from Swansea to Reading IN A FUCKING COACH!!!! Bloody incredible. Anyway, I ended up beating the Chinese food to the party arriving from 20:05 and all I could go on about was that I'd got back from Swansea in an hour and a half in a fucking coach!!

Enjoyed this?

What, you have!!

Bloody hell, why? This is shit!!

Well I suppose you'll want to be following me on twitter: @Russell_LParker

Awkwardly excited about the Olympics.

So the Olympics are under way, well the football is anyway, and the ceremony is in (about) 24 hours time. There's little you can do about it now. I must admit that even until a week ago I wasn't bothered - but now? IT' THE MOTHERFUCKIN' OLYMPICS EVERYONE! I am now ashamedly excited.

I do of course sympathise with the olympophobes that remain. And I have a confession to make - the Olympics in Britain is basically my fault. In year 5, I wrote the IOC a letter, one week before we were awarded the games, to ensure the games came to Britain. In my defence I was forced to write, along with the rest of 5VW, by my teacher but, admittedly, I did put all my persuasive juices into the letter and, therefore, it was undoubtedly me who stole the Olympics off of Paris. So for that I apologise for the Olymposceptics.

But lets not beat about the bush - they're hear now and I'm buzzing. I don't want to be but I am. I'm so buzzing in fact that, when inspecting the schedules for Saturday morning across the BBC's 24 dedicated channels (24 dedicated channels filled with live feeds - how fucking cool is that?), I found myself exclaiming "oh shit, the basketball clashes with the archery!".

Hmmm, what to say now? I normally have a point to make when I blog - the fact I didn't think of one just shows how fuckin' buzzin' I am!

I will now fill out the blog with some intermittent random sentences.

Did you know?
- The Nazis are to thank for Olympic football. Not originally but it had been abolished due to the emergence of the world cup but Hitler's government realised that to make any money they needed the ticket sales generated by football and so re-introduced it for the 1936 games.
- The Nazis invented the Olympic torch relay. In the past, the flame was picked up in Greece and dropped off in the host city but it was the Nazi's idea to get people to dick about with it.
- I've run out of things to say.

Goodbye.

Follow me on twitter: @Russell_LParker

In defence of Chris Moyles (fuck you Eve Barlow)

I'm a big fan of radio. I think it's bloody brilliant. Many people; and, unfortunately, often the BBC, consider television to be a step up from radio but I don't think that's accurate. I think that what the great broadcasters can do in a radio studio is absolute magic.

Furthermore, I'm a big fan of the Chris Moyles show. I think it's bloody brilliant. It' one of the very few how that I don't like missing and will actually go to the iPlayer to catch up. And I'm not just talking about Chris Moyles himself but the team: "comedy" Dave Vitty, Dominic Byrne (who really cracks me up), Tina and Aled (who, arguably, is the one that really holds the show together).

So, as you'd expect, I was a little disappointed yesterday when Chris announced on the show that he would be leaving the breakfast show in September. No more than a little disappointed though - I know that Chris, Dave, Dom (and hopefully Tina and Aled) will pop up somewhere else that it maybe more suitable than what Ben Cooper wants the Radio 1 breakfast show to be. I'm also only a little disappointed because, it seems, Chris left on his own terms - jumped before he was pushed.

It was later revealed that Nick Grimshaw would be taking over the breakfast show. Fair enough. Maybe a bit of a snub for Greg James but I don't really care.
I've listened to a few of Grimmy's shows before and they're alright. They're probably not for me though. I'll say that for now because I have the decency to hold judgement unlike a few people who have felt the need to throw in their two cents about Mr. Moyles. It seems that it is not possible for people to just say "I'm not a fan" but that people always feel the need to go on an ill-informed, narcissistic rant that shows they don't really listen to the show.

A prime example of this was by someone called Eve Barlow. Who writes a "music blog" (has there anything been anything more able to make you lose all faith in humanity. Surely a music blog should just be "ooh that sounds good" or "hmm no I don't like that so much"). This Eve girl decided that one of her music blogs should focus on radio for some reason. This was an incredibly typical of the rubbish that is written about Moyles all the time. If you want to read the drivel, do it here:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/music/musicblog/2012/jul/12/chris-moyles-nick-grimshaw

If you've read it then hopefully you'll realise on your own terms that it's fucking silly but if not I will dissect it.

Paragraph 1: She wines on about him yawning. She really overplay this. I think he yawns maybe once on a show. He is on the air at 6.30 every morning. He will be tired. When I listen, I am also tired. I yawn. He yawns. All other listeners will be yawning. I don't want to hear some overly polished fake show. Yes he is relaxed - this is good. I find it very endearing to hear people chat as if they're chatting.

And "loaded, lad culture" why? On what basis? He likes to talk about diet and the gym. He also talks about the family life of Dom and Aled's relationship. This is not laddish.

Paragraph 2: And now we hit the classic ego shtick as she moans about him slamming down the phone on callers. Which, in four years of listening, I think I've heard him do twice and both times when I was begging him to do so because the caller was so awful. Sure he's not this artificially lovely person that Sara Cox makes herself on the radio but what he does is play for laughs.
I can't help but think that this makes him fairly ego free. He isn't making the kind of "please love me" radio that you get from Fearne Cotton but works tirelessly to make his audience laugh. He often jokes that the show is all about him but it isn't any more about him than any other radio how is about it's host. He makes the show about the funniest tool he has to hand. This big ego is mythical.
And a for the lusting after females thing. Well yes, he does do that and it can be a bit cringy but it is what blokes do talk about but do you know what - you're right it'd be better if he didn't but he is just being himself.
Oh and it's not "Jesus of radio". It is "saviour of radio". Minor difference I know but hows little research has gone into this article. And whenever he says this it is so obviously sarcastic. And it is worth noting that it was a play on Howard Stern's "king of all media".

Then she/you (I've changed tenses more than once already) goes on about his discussion of the Gay pride festival last week. It is worth noticing that he is not discussing it with "the camp one" but his producer Aled Hayden Jones who is in a same sex relationship. And never have I seen a conversation so badly represented.   
Eve says: Moyles goes into Alpha Male bullying mode to ridicule the celebrations, reducing them to a show of "glitter and hot pants"
This really isn't what happened. He was asking, as he has previously, whether it was not wrong for most/ all of the pride parade floats to be overly camp, flamboyant and somewhat feminine when there are many gay men who are not like this. He has had previous discussions where he suggested a float with gay men just drinking beer watching the football because that represents them. I thought this was funny but it certainly not homophobic.  
The nearest he has ever come to being homophobic was when, in response to Aled being unkeen to spend any period of the rest of the team socially, he accused Aled of being hetrophobic and asked "what have you got against us breeders?" That is obviously not homophobic and the heavily sarcastic nature proved this.


And then she's back to the yawning. I've already addressed this. He talks like someone talking rather than this weird slick thing. It doesn't mean he thinks he's better than Radio 1. It means he's a bit tired and not hiding it.


Paragraph 3: "a home for bound together enthusiasts". Please don't try to claim that it is a home for enthusiasts of music. Fearne Cotton, Scott Mills, Greg James aren't this any more than Chris and his team are. And if you mean a home for enthusiasts of radio then there isn't one bigger than Chris. Read his biography. he's been doing radio since he was eleven.

And then she mentions that Radio 1 bills himself itself as the home of new music. Well, the fact it fails on that is not Chris's fault. He plays music from the playlist. The same playlist Grimmy will have to pick from. It's a shit playlist but that isn't relevant. For good music see BBC 6music with a less restrictive shitty playlist.


Last paragraph: Apparently, the great thing about Grimmy (who remember I'm not going to judge yet) is not his clever radio or in fact anything on-air. The great thing about Grimmy is that he knows the words to songs and sings along to gigs. So fucking what? I don't care what he knows about music. We need someone who can provide us with entertaining features between shitty playlist songs.


The bottom line being I like Chris Moyles, I might like Grimmy. I am not a fan of Fearne Cotton but I do not need to repeat old, tired, inaccurate,  narcissistic rant about it. That is all.


I'll miss not waking up to Chris but hopefully he (and his team) will be given a more appropriate platform.

I can be your customer, I can be your product. But make your fucking mind up!!

Last Friday I went to the cinema. I went to see Prometheus, it was actually much better than I was expecting and a thoroughly enjoyable film; but I'm not going to review - there are plenty of twats that have done that already!

But my point is that I went to the cinema for a showing at 13.15 on a weekday. This meant that the ticket price was discounted because it was a "matinee" showing.
"Brilliant" I thought "it will be really cheap!"
I also used my NUS card which meant that I got a further discount on my ticket.
"Wizzo" went my internal monologue "this will be practically free!"

Oh how wrong I was!

"That will be £9.30 please"

WHAT?? NINE POUND THIRTY, WHAT, ARE YOU MUGGING ME OFF!

That was my internal reaction but because I'm British I actually just said "OK" and handed over a tenner.

At this point I looked at my receipt and discovered something.

£1.20 of the £9.30 was for the 3D glasses!
WHAT??
That is extortion!
I went to see a film that needed these glasses to make it viewable and not a blurry mess. I.E. If these glasses are not used then the film is worthless.
I am already being charged £8.10 to enter the room and sit down to look at the screen - I don't think it needs to be pointed out that this, in itself, is too much!
But, in order to make this actually worth anything, another £1.20 must be spent.
Now I understand if I was charged cost price - the cinema doesn't want its already extraordinary profit margin eroded.
But there is no way in hell the cot price of these glasses was £1.20, at least £1.10 of that must be profit.

Frankly, this makes my blood boil!

But, at least, I could now sit down and just enjoy my film.
WRONG!
Having already been charged £9.30 to enter the room and be able to watch the film, for the first twenty five minutes in the room I had to watch adverts.
By the way, the Pepsi logo was also pasted all over my ticket and receipt!
But, there was also TWENTY-FIVE MINUTES of adverts.
There was about sixty people in the room, presuming about £8 profit on each person (I can tell you for a fact that this cinema has a policy of paying minimum wage only!) then that means that there was already a profit of £480 just from that showing's tickets alone!
But obviously, this wasn't enough because they forced adverts down our throats!

Now, I in no way object to being advertised at. I'm quite happy to be the product in this business model. When I watch Channel 4 the adverts don't bother me at all because I'm watching quality programming for free! FOR FREE! Here, I am the product which Channel 4 are selling to the advertisers and its a pleasure!

But, in this context, I'm not really the product am I?
Because a few minutes back you charged me an extortionate entry fee!
That makes me your customer!

So, if I'm your customer then you'll surely show me no more than three adverts.

But you actually showed over forty adverts/trailers, therefore I am a product and surely I should be entering for a fee no more than cost price, or ideally free!

But you get the idea. There are two possible business models: Product (enter for little or no fee and see adverts) or customer (pay a larger fee but see little or no adverts).
So Showcase Cinemas in Loddon Bridge, Reading (thought I would name and shame): I can be your customer, I can be your product. But make your fucking mind up!! I will not be both!

If you found this remotely amusing, interesting, thought-provoking, enraging, life-changing, incriminating or arousing then follow me on twitter: www.twitter.com/Russell_LParker

It's not just the French that are odd

My new neighbours are French.

The amusing thing to do would probably be to fire off a load of racist stereotypes about why having French neighbours is terrible.

However I'm not going to do that because
a) I'm not a racist
but more importantly

b)I'm glad they moved in:

it's nice to not have a bunch of chavs smoking in a banged up car playing loud music

and it's nice not to have four vehicles next door of which one was a huge van but instead just have one small car even if that is a Renault Ragoo.

However, them being French is still significant because none of them speak great English therefore all we really no about them is that they are a couple with two young children and that their French.

And so, inevitably, when we mention that we have new neighbours, them being French is one of the first things to come up.

And it was when my Mum mentioned it to a former work colleague, but perhaps this was actually relevant because that former work colleague is also French.

And here we hit the bulk of what's on my mind, what you've already read is mere build up and filler.

My Mum's former colleagues response was, reportedly, "oh, you should pass on my number it would be nice to meet up with some other French people."

This response seemed rather odd to me.

What we have is person A who is a, presumably, fully rounded human with thoughts and opinions, likes and dislikes, hobbies and interests and, incidentally, is originally from France. And yet they have come to a decision that it is worth a social interaction with person B purely on the basis that they are also from France.

Here's France as I found it on a map just to show it is bloody massive.*

Now France is not a small place, I found it on a map - it's bloody massive. If I was living abroad, heaven forbid, I would not, necessarily, show any interest in befriending someone because I heard they were British - I mean they could be a Geordie!

According to Wikipedia, there are between 200,000 and 300,000 French-born people in the UK and 8,000,000 of French descent; i.e. they are not difficult to find.

A French person is not such a rare thing that it was even worth meeting up just to go "you'll never guess what - I'm only French as well!"
It's not as if they're from the Pitcairn Islands!

But anyway, this got me thinking, it's not just the French that are odd - this is quite typical of all us silly humans.

We seem to be drawn to dividing up our society upon the most simply defined lines.

I mean, just think about the number of groups there are for the youth or elderly!

Youth groups never really appealed to me. I mean have you ever met a youth? 80% are pricks. 

That's nothing against young people. 80% of all people are pricks.

We seem to have became much more keen on the idea of youth groups in recent years. Just think of BBC Children in Need; in between all the worthy cases, there are youth groups who claim it is important that there youth group remains open because the opportunity to play table tennis in a village hall with someone else who just so happens to be of a vaguely similar age will stop them from stabbing someone.

Don't get me wrong, I do believe that having something to do is probably good for you.

But why are we doing this by age? If you're that into table tennis join a table tennis club!!

Anyway, I think I might of made my point. I'm sure this was meant to have more of a profound end but it just sort of petered off so I'll write a conclusion and be on my way.

So what have we learnt here?
That the French feel overly united?
That we need some sort of revolutionary social reconstruction?
That we are misguided in raising funds for youth groups?
No, well you might have, but what I've learnt is that what I think makes much more sense before I attempt to articulate them.

This is probably why my english teacher always told me to plan first.


*Actually, you're right this is a crap picture to put in but I felt that the blog was too long for only one visual break. I wanted a picture pertaining to table tennis but they were all like Olympic players. I wanted a picture of a youth playing it but I learnt, unfortunately, that you should never type "table tennis teenager" into Google Image whilst your mum's in the room.



If you found this remotely amusing, interesting, thought-provoking, enraging, life-changing, incriminating or arousing then follow me on twitter: www.twitter.com/Russell_LParker

And in many ways the Queen and Boris Johnson are quite similar

So the jubilee...that happened!

And wasn't it just so...all right I suppose!

If I'm honest I'm not too fussed about the monarchy - I wouldn't have one if I was starting a country but seeing as they're there it doesn't bother me. But what really shocks me is that this is rather negative compared to the mood of the country who seem to show unwavering enthusiasm for the Queen and the monarchy. In fact, it would seem the five or six of those I follow on twitter, who are anti-royalists and found the whole thing quite offensive, were seemingly the entirety of Britons who aren't mad for the Queen.

And this, initially, seemed a bit odd to me in an age where:

• religious numbers are dwindling meaning people no longer revere here as a leader of the church or see her as one appointed by God.
• people are struggling financially so people might not have time for a mega-rich woman who lives off the state.

Another person who is quite popular nowadays is Boris Johnson who, despite being an ineffective buffoon, has been re-elected Mayor of London and is loved even by people who would normally loathe the Conservatives. And in many ways the Queen and Boris Johnson are quite similar i.e there both loved because they go around waving at people and being amusing without actually doing anything and in this era that is exactly what people want because invariably whenever someone in power does something they fuck it up. People seem to love having someone who looks powerful and important and like they know what they're doing without actually having to rely on them for anything because inevitably, no matter how much it looks like someone knows what they're doing, invariably they don't - the Queen and Boris are not allowed to shatter this illusion.

This is probably why Santa Claus is still so popular - he rides around looking important and like he know what he's doing but he never fucks up; admittedly he is helped by his lack of existence but nevertheless the fact that he looks like he knows what he's doing and isn't fucking up is a winning combination for popularity.

So, what have we learnt here? I suppose it's probably that if you're in a position of power whatever you do don't do anything or you'll fuck up and people will realise who hit you are. Or maybe even go one step better and instead of not doing anything try not existing instead!

If you found this remotely amusing, interesting, thought-provoking, enraging, life-changing, incriminating or arousing then follow me on twitter: www.twitter.com/Russell_LParker

Actually that wasn't such a bad idea...

So I'm going to right a blog, not sure why but fuck it this shit is happening. I'm also not really sure what it's about other than just thoughts that I fancy writing on the internet through this blog. Incidentally, now I've used the world blog a couple of times I'm already irritated by the fact that a red squiggly line appears underneath it each time, and weirdly not the world squiggly, despite the fact that I'm using a blogging site owned by Google and using Google Chrome as a web browser they still insist on squiggling the word. Maybe it's because even Google are pissed off at the ludicrousness of the it! According to Wikipedia (the fountain of all knowledge), a blog is a Portmanteau (Wikipedia tells me this is just a technical term for the merger of other words) of web and log and I suppose I can see that Weblog was a bit of a mouthful what with having to say that extra half-syllable, although most of the time the word is never said out loud it's typed meaning all you're emmiting are two letters which are actually next to each other in the top row of your keyboard!

Anyway, I don't really give a shit about the word blog and I'll get on with the thought I had. I watched the news earlier and the lead story was that the government has made its second U-turn in a week. This is something the BBC felt it could only demonstrate to me with a downwards arrow curling round into the shape of a U, this pissed me off - obviously I know what the term U-turn means you do not need to demonstrate just get on with reporting facts please.  Anyway, the two U-turns were the "Pasty tax" and something to do with tax relief on charitable donations. There seemed to be a large outcry when these idea where first put forward and hence the government decided not to bother. Whilst normally everything this government does pisses me off, I have actually been pissed off by them doing a U-turn and ha caused me to think "actually, that wasn't such a bad idea!"

Firstly, this damned "pasty tax". The whole nation seemed to be in uproar that the government wanted to charge a 20% tax on pasties. Well, first off, this seems to have been reported/ commented on exclusively by fucking idiots because that it not what it was. In fact, the "pasty tax" was simply a removal of the VAT exemption on hot pastry goods, that's all! And to me, it seems perfectly reasonable to say "hey, you know that tax you pay on most things, including hot fish & chips and cold pasties, well would you mind paying it on hot pasties?" When you consider that we are the fattest country in Europe (and second fattest in the world) it only seems sensible that we apply the basic tax to foods with a high fat content. But, was the debate fought on these grounds? No, it wasn't! For some reason it was used as a shitty stick for the oppose-anything lefties (as opposed to the sensible lefties like myself!) to whack the Tories with and make the look posh! WTF?? How is that even fucking relevant?? Apparently, the government did not understand what pasties mean to people (or something) and they were out of touch for not understanding how this would affect people's lives! I really didn't get this: I don't believe there is anyone living so heavily on hot pastries that this would really affect them, and if there is someone they are:
a) horribly unhealthy as this things are high in fat etc. but there probably also subject to scurvy as they have a terribly unvaried diet.
b) thick as fuck. Buying a hot pasty is great when you're on the go but make little sense to eat at home. If you go to a supermarket, you can buy a cold Ginsters pasty for about a third of the price! And, seeing as everyone has a microwave and/or oven (probably) they can very soon turn into a hot pasty!

Secondly, there's this weird deal of tax exemptions for wealthy people who make charitable donations. Now, I don't really understand this so I won't go on, but from what I could gather the situation is that if you are particularly wealthy and give some of your income to charity then that bit of your income is exempt from tax (I think) and the government wanted to remove this exemption. Again, this has provoked me to say actually, that wan't such a bad idea. Surely, we need to collect tax and people should be paying it! The cut that the government is imposing include to its support of charities, so surely getting in tax will help these charities to! And anyway, donating to charity is not an alternative to paying tax but supplementary. I'm sure when the troops in Afghanistan are suffering from being poorly equipped they will be soothed by the reminder "Don't worry, we may not have been able to buy you a new helicopter but Eton School (which is a charity) has been able to renovate the sleeping quarters of the young aristocracy!" And at any rate, paying tax should not be seen as something to squirm from but a duty, in fact a pride! Paying tax is you're membership fee to join this wonderful nation and help to keep it going! *hums national anthem*

Well that was nice, letting of some steam, I'll get off my high horse/ soapbox/ moral high-ground now and have a nap!! Sweat dreams! 


God I fancy a pasty ... and tax dodging.


If you found this remotely amusing, interesting, thought-provoking, enraging, life-changing, incriminating or arousing then follow me on twitter: www.twitter.com/KimJongRussell