I can be your customer, I can be your product. But make your fucking mind up!!

Last Friday I went to the cinema. I went to see Prometheus, it was actually much better than I was expecting and a thoroughly enjoyable film; but I'm not going to review - there are plenty of twats that have done that already!

But my point is that I went to the cinema for a showing at 13.15 on a weekday. This meant that the ticket price was discounted because it was a "matinee" showing.
"Brilliant" I thought "it will be really cheap!"
I also used my NUS card which meant that I got a further discount on my ticket.
"Wizzo" went my internal monologue "this will be practically free!"

Oh how wrong I was!

"That will be £9.30 please"

WHAT?? NINE POUND THIRTY, WHAT, ARE YOU MUGGING ME OFF!

That was my internal reaction but because I'm British I actually just said "OK" and handed over a tenner.

At this point I looked at my receipt and discovered something.

£1.20 of the £9.30 was for the 3D glasses!
WHAT??
That is extortion!
I went to see a film that needed these glasses to make it viewable and not a blurry mess. I.E. If these glasses are not used then the film is worthless.
I am already being charged £8.10 to enter the room and sit down to look at the screen - I don't think it needs to be pointed out that this, in itself, is too much!
But, in order to make this actually worth anything, another £1.20 must be spent.
Now I understand if I was charged cost price - the cinema doesn't want its already extraordinary profit margin eroded.
But there is no way in hell the cot price of these glasses was £1.20, at least £1.10 of that must be profit.

Frankly, this makes my blood boil!

But, at least, I could now sit down and just enjoy my film.
WRONG!
Having already been charged £9.30 to enter the room and be able to watch the film, for the first twenty five minutes in the room I had to watch adverts.
By the way, the Pepsi logo was also pasted all over my ticket and receipt!
But, there was also TWENTY-FIVE MINUTES of adverts.
There was about sixty people in the room, presuming about £8 profit on each person (I can tell you for a fact that this cinema has a policy of paying minimum wage only!) then that means that there was already a profit of £480 just from that showing's tickets alone!
But obviously, this wasn't enough because they forced adverts down our throats!

Now, I in no way object to being advertised at. I'm quite happy to be the product in this business model. When I watch Channel 4 the adverts don't bother me at all because I'm watching quality programming for free! FOR FREE! Here, I am the product which Channel 4 are selling to the advertisers and its a pleasure!

But, in this context, I'm not really the product am I?
Because a few minutes back you charged me an extortionate entry fee!
That makes me your customer!

So, if I'm your customer then you'll surely show me no more than three adverts.

But you actually showed over forty adverts/trailers, therefore I am a product and surely I should be entering for a fee no more than cost price, or ideally free!

But you get the idea. There are two possible business models: Product (enter for little or no fee and see adverts) or customer (pay a larger fee but see little or no adverts).
So Showcase Cinemas in Loddon Bridge, Reading (thought I would name and shame): I can be your customer, I can be your product. But make your fucking mind up!! I will not be both!

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It's not just the French that are odd

My new neighbours are French.

The amusing thing to do would probably be to fire off a load of racist stereotypes about why having French neighbours is terrible.

However I'm not going to do that because
a) I'm not a racist
but more importantly

b)I'm glad they moved in:

it's nice to not have a bunch of chavs smoking in a banged up car playing loud music

and it's nice not to have four vehicles next door of which one was a huge van but instead just have one small car even if that is a Renault Ragoo.

However, them being French is still significant because none of them speak great English therefore all we really no about them is that they are a couple with two young children and that their French.

And so, inevitably, when we mention that we have new neighbours, them being French is one of the first things to come up.

And it was when my Mum mentioned it to a former work colleague, but perhaps this was actually relevant because that former work colleague is also French.

And here we hit the bulk of what's on my mind, what you've already read is mere build up and filler.

My Mum's former colleagues response was, reportedly, "oh, you should pass on my number it would be nice to meet up with some other French people."

This response seemed rather odd to me.

What we have is person A who is a, presumably, fully rounded human with thoughts and opinions, likes and dislikes, hobbies and interests and, incidentally, is originally from France. And yet they have come to a decision that it is worth a social interaction with person B purely on the basis that they are also from France.

Here's France as I found it on a map just to show it is bloody massive.*

Now France is not a small place, I found it on a map - it's bloody massive. If I was living abroad, heaven forbid, I would not, necessarily, show any interest in befriending someone because I heard they were British - I mean they could be a Geordie!

According to Wikipedia, there are between 200,000 and 300,000 French-born people in the UK and 8,000,000 of French descent; i.e. they are not difficult to find.

A French person is not such a rare thing that it was even worth meeting up just to go "you'll never guess what - I'm only French as well!"
It's not as if they're from the Pitcairn Islands!

But anyway, this got me thinking, it's not just the French that are odd - this is quite typical of all us silly humans.

We seem to be drawn to dividing up our society upon the most simply defined lines.

I mean, just think about the number of groups there are for the youth or elderly!

Youth groups never really appealed to me. I mean have you ever met a youth? 80% are pricks. 

That's nothing against young people. 80% of all people are pricks.

We seem to have became much more keen on the idea of youth groups in recent years. Just think of BBC Children in Need; in between all the worthy cases, there are youth groups who claim it is important that there youth group remains open because the opportunity to play table tennis in a village hall with someone else who just so happens to be of a vaguely similar age will stop them from stabbing someone.

Don't get me wrong, I do believe that having something to do is probably good for you.

But why are we doing this by age? If you're that into table tennis join a table tennis club!!

Anyway, I think I might of made my point. I'm sure this was meant to have more of a profound end but it just sort of petered off so I'll write a conclusion and be on my way.

So what have we learnt here?
That the French feel overly united?
That we need some sort of revolutionary social reconstruction?
That we are misguided in raising funds for youth groups?
No, well you might have, but what I've learnt is that what I think makes much more sense before I attempt to articulate them.

This is probably why my english teacher always told me to plan first.


*Actually, you're right this is a crap picture to put in but I felt that the blog was too long for only one visual break. I wanted a picture pertaining to table tennis but they were all like Olympic players. I wanted a picture of a youth playing it but I learnt, unfortunately, that you should never type "table tennis teenager" into Google Image whilst your mum's in the room.



If you found this remotely amusing, interesting, thought-provoking, enraging, life-changing, incriminating or arousing then follow me on twitter: www.twitter.com/Russell_LParker

And in many ways the Queen and Boris Johnson are quite similar

So the jubilee...that happened!

And wasn't it just so...all right I suppose!

If I'm honest I'm not too fussed about the monarchy - I wouldn't have one if I was starting a country but seeing as they're there it doesn't bother me. But what really shocks me is that this is rather negative compared to the mood of the country who seem to show unwavering enthusiasm for the Queen and the monarchy. In fact, it would seem the five or six of those I follow on twitter, who are anti-royalists and found the whole thing quite offensive, were seemingly the entirety of Britons who aren't mad for the Queen.

And this, initially, seemed a bit odd to me in an age where:

• religious numbers are dwindling meaning people no longer revere here as a leader of the church or see her as one appointed by God.
• people are struggling financially so people might not have time for a mega-rich woman who lives off the state.

Another person who is quite popular nowadays is Boris Johnson who, despite being an ineffective buffoon, has been re-elected Mayor of London and is loved even by people who would normally loathe the Conservatives. And in many ways the Queen and Boris Johnson are quite similar i.e there both loved because they go around waving at people and being amusing without actually doing anything and in this era that is exactly what people want because invariably whenever someone in power does something they fuck it up. People seem to love having someone who looks powerful and important and like they know what they're doing without actually having to rely on them for anything because inevitably, no matter how much it looks like someone knows what they're doing, invariably they don't - the Queen and Boris are not allowed to shatter this illusion.

This is probably why Santa Claus is still so popular - he rides around looking important and like he know what he's doing but he never fucks up; admittedly he is helped by his lack of existence but nevertheless the fact that he looks like he knows what he's doing and isn't fucking up is a winning combination for popularity.

So, what have we learnt here? I suppose it's probably that if you're in a position of power whatever you do don't do anything or you'll fuck up and people will realise who hit you are. Or maybe even go one step better and instead of not doing anything try not existing instead!

If you found this remotely amusing, interesting, thought-provoking, enraging, life-changing, incriminating or arousing then follow me on twitter: www.twitter.com/Russell_LParker