Summery ramble

So it's the summer. And it's really quite sunny innit? That seems to be a thing that everyone's excited about. I'm not. It's too hot. I can't really be fucked with it. I've always said that, by far, the best weather is that which is not deemed noteworthy. If people are talking about the weather then it's probably going to impinge upon my life and if it wants to do that then it can go fuck itself.

But I suppose that this warm weather isn't as bad for me as it is for a lot of people at the moment (can I just take this moment to boast that I have so far typed this whole paragraph without looking at the keyboard - never done that before)  as a lot of people are cooped up at work or wherever through these sweltering conditions. I, on the other hand, have literally fuck all to do. I don't mean that I'm a bit less busy than usual, I literally mean that I have fuck all to do.

I don't have a job. I have never had a job nor do I have any immediate plans to get one. I don't need the money. I rarely spend money and I have abut £100 stuffed away from various places (well mainly because I have a birthday and, whilst I am now legally an adult, I have not yet reached the age where they cease to be financially lucrative) so there is no real need for me to go attempt to get a minimum wage job doing something that is even more mind-numbing than watching Storage Hunters in my boxers (how I'm currently spending most of my time). 

But what's weirdest at this current moment in time is that it's the long gap between my leaving school and me going off to... well I'm not really sure where exactly. That's what's odd about now. I did my A-level exams last month and they went... well somewhere between fucking awful and pretty meh. And now, I must wait. 

Ok, I'm gonna be honest. I'm one step ahead of myself and I can see the tailing off in interestingness of this blog is a trend not a blip. And to be perfectly honest I can't be fucked to write anymore. So, in place of my pith and wit, here are some funny photos of political fuckwits:

This year's just flown by hasn't it?

Yesterday, I overheard a woman turn to her friend and say
"This year's just gone so quick hasn't it? D'you know why I reckon that is? I reckon that is because, the thing with this year, yeah, this year started with lots of winter and the thing with winter is that in winter, yeah, in winter the days are really quite short. Like, you know, there's not much light so the days are short. And 'cause the days have been like proper short that all together, like short days together, has made like the year short."
Her friend simply replied "Oh yeah, I'd never thought of that." When what she actually should have said was "Let me just stop you one minute. Three things:

1. We live in the northern hemisphere. Every fucking year starts with winter! Admittedly the cold weather has spanned out a little more than usual but of course this has absolutely no impact WHATSOEVER on the amount of daylight we get. You dozy shit!
2. Even if there had been a reduced amount of day light, WHICH OF COURSE THERE HAS NOT, then that would surely have no impact on how long the days have seemed, would it? I don't know if you've noticed but we're not bloody cockerels - we don't crow exclusively at dawn. We get up at 7am regardless of the light conditions. It's not as if, through the winter, you get calls from your boss at 9.15 to say "where are you? YOU'RE LATE!" to which you can only respond "oh sorry, I would be there it's just there's only been 45 minutes of sunlight and that's know where near enough time to get there!". Nor through July are you staring at the window at gone eleven with heavy eyes screaming "WILL YOU JUST FUCK OFF SUN!! I NEED SOME BLOODY SLEEP!!". No, we have the same waking hours year round because we live in the age of the electric light. So it would have absolutely no impact on how long each day seems to take would it? You stupid dicksplash!
3. The reason this year, like every other year of your life, has seemed shorter than the one that preceded it is because you're getting older. You mad old cow."

But like I say, she didn't say that but she definitely should have. 

And it's that third point that I wanna vent some steam about. It really amazes me how much time people spend being surprised each year that it's gone so quickly. And they say things like "I swear as you get older the time just flies by" as if it were an old wives' tale!

The fact is it's bloody obvious that would happen. For the simple reason that your life never seems any longer. Sure you do feel older but you never feel like you've been here for longer. You're birth* never feels like it was longer ago; you never catch a parent say to a four year old "can you tidy your toys away now please?" only for the child to respond "Hold on a sec, mother, I've only just climbed out of your womb!", nor  do you ever hear an octogenarian say "birth? God, that was ages ago now!" 

Of course you don't hear that because the start of your life never seems like longer ago and, as that's your only reference point, your life never seems like it's been any longer. The length of your life, as it seems to you, is a constant. And what does this mean? Well it means that whatever length of time you're considering, the length that it seems to you is simply whatever fraction of your life so far that it represents! Obviously! So  of course time speeds up when you're older!

I reckon this is the reason that children are so bloody impatient! If you tell a six-year old to wait five minutes, they just can't! And maybe that's fair, to six year old five minutes is 1.58x10⁻⁴% of your life. That really drags!

Conversely, old people can quite often sit for an hour before it bothers them. Which again is reasonable because, at eight-five, an hour is 1.34x10⁻⁴% - ample time!

So yeah, next time you hear someone go on and on about how quickly the year's going and it's boring you to tears just tell to stop stating the fucking obvious and explain to them the logic^! Then maybe, when we're not using every breath noting the passing of time, we might be able to sort out some of these bloody issues the world has!

@RussellLParker

*Really this should be your earliest memory rather than birth but then the rest of that paragraph wouldn't really work!

^Should you not be able to explain the logic to them then why not send them to this blog? Actually, on second thoughts, just send them to this blog anyway. I really need some bloody readers!

Used to have a piggy bank, but now I got that bigger bank.

And oh, I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive and oh, I can fly, I can fly, I can fly and oh, I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive and I'm lovin' every second, minute, hour, bigger, better, stronger, power. I got that power, I got that power, I got that power, power, power, power. They call me Will-A, stay so cool I'm chilly, I done made that milli on my way to that billi. Used to have a piggy bank, but now I got that bigger bank. Who who cares what the haters think? They hatin' on me cause we doin' what they can't. I stay on that hustle, I flex that little muscle. Hate to bust your bubble, I'm on that other level. I'mma take it higher and high, high and higher.I stay and buy attire, keep burnin' like that fire. Y-y-y-yes y'all, feelin' funky fresh y'all work to be the best y'all work good under pressure. Been through all that stress y'all get this off my chest y'all made it out them projects with this project, that's progress y'all. I did it for my momma, I told her when I was younger that I'mma be that number one, yup I'll be that number 1. I take it higher and high, high and higher. I stay and buy attire, keep burnin' like that fire.

In the song Mr. Adams informs us that whilst he used
to own a piggy bank, his curent bank is much larger.

Whatever doesn't kill ya only makes you stronger, so I'mma get stronger. Comin' like a battle ram, battle ram, I'm knockin'-knockin' down the door again, door again. Comin' like a battle ram, battle ram, I'm knockin'-knockin' down the door again, door again and I'm lovin' every second, minute, hour, bigger, better, stronger, power and I'm lovin' every second, minute, hour, bigger, better, stronger, power

Now, I know the above reads like the scribblings of a mad man, like what you expect to find scrawled into the back of a maths book before the owner shows up with a gun and shoots up his high school. 

But, believe it or not it isn't. It was actually written by someone who is not only allowed out in public but abuses this privilege to never get off our bloody telly screens. Yes, this is the latest creation by the man who insists we call him Will.I.Am! And, just in case anyone thought this song had any credibility, he's recorded it with everyone's favourite teenage moody twat:- Justin Bieber!!

And whilst we're on the subject William,
it's about time you dressed like an adult too!

William Adams (and that's what I'm going to call him because he's 38 for fuck's sake! It's time he has a grown-up's name!) has decided that this song should be called "That Power" but instead of doing that by using the words "That Power", he has made a feeble attempt to be hip and trendy but using "#thatPOWER". Except that it's not actually an attempt to be hip and trendy (well not hip anyhow) but it's to get the song all trendy on twitter in a cold, calculated marketing ploy!

And annoyingly, it's also allowed him to, in interviews with Scott Mills and Jonathan Ross, say "the hashtag is silent!" 

OH DO SHUT UP!!

What annoys me most about William is not that he's a self-obsessed media whore, it's not this stupid song he's written, it's not all the stupid songs he's written since going solo, it's not the last two albums of stupid songs he wrote as a member of the Black Eyed Peas. None of these bother me (well that's not true, they all bother me loads) but what bothers me most of all is that he co-wrote two brilliant albums with the Black Eyed Peas. It's bad enough when someone talentless smears bullshit all over my radio but it's much worse when someone who evidently has talent does it.

The Black Eyed Peas did some incredible songs. There first two albums (by which I mean the first two from when Fergie joined and they became famous) were brilliant. Monkey Business was a particular beauty and remains, to this day, one of my favourite ever albums. Seriously, go listen to it - it's brilliant!

So why oh why oh why, Mr. William Adams, have you wasted this talent in creating this formulaic fake gruel  It pisses me write off!

But don't worry there are a number of "artists" who're making songs that make me despair for modern music equally:

•  David Guetta ft. Ne-Yo & Akon - Play Hard. I generally like David Guetta, he's made some good stuff. The same can not be said, however, for Ne-Yo or Akon. And this particular song is one of the most irritating songs for a while. It features a sample from a great techno song called "Better off alone" by Alice DJ. Unfortunately, in this you hear the techno beat gasping for air as it is smothered by posers sing really quite awfully. It's painful.
• Chris Brown - Fine China. This is the latest in a long line of terrible songs. He's the only man with a career that benefited from being a girl beater. And he can't sing. Bellend.
• Iggy Azalea - Work. This stupid girl is everything that's wrong with the music industry because they're trying to sell a story rather than a song. Iggy is from Australia and decided to do something really stupid and move, on her own, to Miami at the age of sixteen to make it as an MC. And this song is all about how she had to scrub floors and work so hard to "make it". EXCEPT, SHE HASN'T MADE IT YET, THIS IS HER FUCKING DEBUT SINGLE!! And it would seem that this infuriating piece of shit has been plucked by the record labels to sell the story rather than actually making a good song which would prove she had enough talent to make her risk worth it.

Anyway, those are just a few examples. Don't worry there are many, many more! 

You may have noticed that all the ones that I've picked up on come loosely under the umbrella term of "hip-hop" and you may, therefore, conclude that that's what I don't like. Actually, I quite like hip-hop. It's just these songs aren't really hip-hop. They're what happens when cold suits try to take hip-hop and profit from it! If you wan't to hear real hip-hop, check out Scroobius Pip's radio show "The Beatdown" - Saturday nights, midnight, XFM. Then you'll hear some real hip-hop.

(Obviously, no-one's actually up at midnight to you can listen again here.)

This is Scroobius Pip. He's way cooler than
William Adams but doesn't feel need to dress/ act like he worries about it.
I guess he doesn't but you'd have to ask him.

And while I'm at it, there is a lot of music I'm loving right now. Check out Chris Malinchack, Daft Punk, Jake Bugg, Macklemore, Rudimental, Vampire Weekend (well the song "Diane Young", the rest is shit) & Disclosure! There are others that haven't immediately jumped to mind.

Anyway, that's what I think.

Have a good time people and follow me on twitter @RussellLParker

I haven't fact checked anything in this blog but then it isn't intended to be taken seriously, obviously!

Comedy, Christianity and the Conservative Cretin barking on about it.

I've decided today to write a blog today about something which really winds me up. Not something that winds me up a bit like having French neighbours but something which I think is properly wrong. 

I read an article written by Ann Widdecombe for the Telegraph (read it here). This article had been written by her ahead of the BBC airing a documentary (Watch it here) she had made about comedy and Christianity. It is an interesting topic, I won't deny that. And, even as an atheist who generally has no room for people taking offence, I do think it is important to stop and check every now and then that we haven't gone too far and strayed into the territory of attacking a minority group. We must never let that happen. We should always challenge ideas and principles with which we disagree and the things done in their name. But we should never stray into the territory of oppressing a minority needlessly.

So, yeah, the documentary should have been made but what I really question is why they got Anne Widdecombe to do it? If you don't know, Anne Widdecombe made her name by being one of the most ghastly Tories there has ever been. She opposed having legal abortions, she left Anglicanism as a response to the ordination of woman priests, she opposed gay rights at every possible opportunity, she is a climate change sceptic (once said: "There is no climate change, hasn't anybody looked out of their window recently?"), she supported the re-introduction of the death penalty, she supported a policy of shackling down pregnant prisoners. So yeah, she sort of stands against everything I support. Her only saving graces were that she claimed practically no expenses and was a bit funny on Strictly Come Dancing.

So why on earth, other than being a noted Christian, was she picked to make this documentary? She's a Christian but what does she know about comedy? An ideal person would have been Frank Skinner - a noted Catholic who also knows a bit about comedy! 

But, actually I can tell you why she was picked - because she had a bee in her bonnet and that would make good telly!

Anyway (that was just the introduction - this is going to be quite a long blog I'm afraid), I know need to point out my gripes with the article before the documentary.

She starts with a claim that the relationship between Christianity and comedy has gone from "Gentle mockery or sharp satire aimed at Christians and their leaders" to "abuse of Christianity itself". Now, I don't claim that that isn't in some way true BUT I do not think that's necessarily a bad thing. You can mock the leaders all you want but the reason there's so much to mock is because they are all fuelled by one pretty horrific book. It's not wrong to point out the flaws in that. 

The term "militant atheism" is used. I don't think I need to point out why I find this phrase deeply offensive and how it's just a shitty stick used by Christians to oppress free speech of the opposition.

She then goes on to explain that she has never soon The Life of Brian. That's ok, not everyone has seen every film - she'll watch it before she makes the documentary right?

"so I watched excerpts chosen for me by the producer."

WHAT?? One one of the most significant films ever in the relationship between comedy and Christianity and you aren't going to bloody watch it?!?! Disgraceful!

Well I suppose this means you can't make and criticisms of it, right?

WRONG. She goes on to tear it apart. She first becomes very snooty about the comedy of a film, which I personally regard as the funniest of all time, and then claims to be offended by the crucifixion scene. 

"How could anybody not find that offensive, Christian or not?" 

Well very easily actually, because there is nothing offensive in it!!

I want to rip apart the whole article but I more want to get onto the actual documentary and I'm sure you can work out my opinions on the rest of it!

So, on the the documentary! It starts by showing some relevant one liners by Jimmy Carr, Hugh Dennis and others with Christians sitting looking unamused. Thank you, this emotive device taught us a lot, didn't it?

Then she gets annoyed because Christianity is more acceptable in comedy than politics. Well, ignore the 27 bishops in the house of lords and the fact that the head of state is the head of the Church of England, and that might be true. But the reason for that is that if politics was run by Christianity it would be an oppression of the people in this country who are not Christians but in comedy it doesn't do that. Because, what people say in comedy doesn't affect what becomes the bloody law!

The phrase "what we choose to laugh at" is used. We don't "choose" to laugh at anything. It's natural and involuntary, it's a very deep and raw response.

That's twice now they've played the Jimmy Carr line "If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?" which shows that:

a) They're quickly running out of relevant clips.

b) The threshold for offence is too low. That line is a simple peace of wordplay, I can't believe anyone would find that truly offensive.

"Has respect for my faith now disappeared " Yes, yes it has, along with about twenty million christians. That is sort of why.

Now, Marcus Brigstoke is on. He's a good comedian and he's talking a lot of sense.

Now we hit something very interesting. There's an old sketch which is apparently so offensive that it was banned. In it a communion wafer is taken and a man puts chutney on it. This made me laugh. The reason it made me laugh is because, basically, communion is a bit silly. OK it represents something important in Christianity, but basically you're just eating a very thin wafer. It's a bit silly and this sketch is a bit silly. All practices should be questioned. This one simply points out that, if this ceremony was new to you as an adult, you'd probably think "hold on, it's just bloody wafer!" I don't consider this sketch to be VERY funny or VERY important but I am shocked that is has been treated as having been as offensive as it has when it clearly isn't. Not really anyway, not more than the standard Christo-poking.

Anne goes on to express much disgust at it. I don't get it. I don't know how it can be regarded as so offensive. If you believe that wafer is the body of Christ then fine, good on you. But that doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with others doing a sketch which is the equivalent to someone saying "hold on, isn't it just a bit of wafer? Am I missing something?"

Now the producer of the show which featured the sketch comes on to defend the sketch. And, he does defend it very well. Better than I could. He explains that the butt of the joke is not communion but the characters involved. But then anyone could have seen that. And then Anne tries a response basically saying that communion cannot be featured in a sketch at all. Saying this essentially puts things on a pedastool never to be touched or challenged. Very dangerous.

Ann does then explain to Marcus Brigstoke that communion is like a bereavement for Christ and that she's "wounded". It gives Marcus pause for thought - and me too if I'm honest. But here's why I still think it's ok: 

If there were a funeral and someone made a joke about the person being dead, that would be in bad taste. If someone made a joke about the way in which the funeral took place like "Wow, all these cut flowers. Wasn't one death enough without having to kill a ton of plants too?" then that would be fine because the mocking is about the weird ceremony around the bereavement. The same applies to communion.

The next bit is very exciting, a former Archbishop of Canterbury, explains that Life of Brian is not offensive and, in fact  it is good to have a sense of humour about religion exactly. One's religion is stronger if the core has been joked about and the belief is held whilst laughing about it.

I do love Life of Brian because what it does so well is mock the way that beliefs are held and formed, particularly at the time of Jesus. It does not properly mock religion so I really don't get how anyone could take offence.

We now get a bit where the idea that Christianity is mocked and other religions are protected is addressed. 

Oh god, they've brought out Baroness Warsi. Another despicable politician who has previously shown she does not even understand what terms like "secular society" even mean. Her appearance fills me with dread.

And now they remember that Citizen Kahn happened. So any religion can be mocked. Just basically comedy is about the things we know and we know Christianity well enough. I would happily joke about Islam if I were less ignorant of it. I make jokes about Christianity because I was raised Christian and I have a decent working knowledge of it.

The clip from Citizen Kahn shows a farce around Islamic prayer. The earlier clip showed farce around Holy Communion. They are equal on the offence scale. Widdecombe finds the Christian clip offensive and the Islamic clip not. Hypocrisy. 

There's later a moan that people turned down the opportunity to be on the show. She speculates ludicrous reasons as to why. I expect that the main reason is that it's presented by someone as horrible and irrelevant as Ann Widdecombe. As I said earlier, if you had someone respected in fields of comedy and Christianity (because many Christians I know have no respect for Ann and the dispassionate views she holds) then I'm sure you could have got people on.

So to conclude. If I'm honest it wasn't as bad as it could have been. But, I'm sure anyone sensible - including many Christians - will realise that Ann Widdecombe took a really provocative and extreme view. Most Christians won't have been offended by any of the comic material included. 

I believe that people have the right to believe anything they want - absolutely anything. But that right is a bit like your personal space - it exists entirely around you. You can't sit next to someone and then expect them to move on the grounds that they're invading you're personal space. You can't expect someone not to say something on the grounds that it pertains to something you hold sacred. 

For example I could claim to believe in Russell's teapot (named after Bertrand Russell not me. If you don't know what it is see here). I could believe in it sincerely and deeply. That would not mean I had the right to stop anyone else from making jokes about looking for teapots through telescopes. 

Religion is not fixed and not permanent. Anyone can believe anything. Therefore we cannot ring-fence anything due to the vast numbers of people who believe it. 

Oh and one other thing, I resent the snooty tone of the documentary. There was a sense that Ann thought that comedy was not worthy of talking about religion. That comedy was just silly and foolish and not important. Anyone who thinks this really doesn't get comedy. Comedy is important. Comedy is the way in which people deal with the things around them.

Thanks for reading. I know this was a bit long and preachy but I felt the need to put my thoughts on it together. The age of offence frightens me.

Here endeth the lesson.

P.S There's a chance I've spelt people's names wrong or not capitalised a word in somewhere that I should to show respect. I don't care.

LOLs and other such hilarity!

As I write this Lenny Henry has just appeared on my telly in a bright gold suit and a slightly greying beard. Yes, in case you don't know, that means I'm watching the 25th edition of the Comic Relief telly show. I love comic relief, something about it makes me feel incredibly warm inside. For twenty-five years in a row, the biggest and best names in British entertainment, comedy and music have got together to, for free, make some great telly in order to encourage us to give a shitload of cash to a very worthy cause. AND every year the people of Britain do raise a shitload. It's incredible.

If you pay any attention to the news you may think everyone and everything is a piece of shit. Well, everything is a piece of shit but in fact most people are brilliant, brilliant human beings who respond to comic relief and raise loads of wonga for some very needy people and do a great deal of good. It makes me so warm and fuzzy inside. I hope you have or will donate some cash. That would be good.

Anyway, that wasn't what I wanted to blog about. I actually wanted to reflect on some otherstuff I've seen on the telly recently. 

If you were to try and teach how to make great sitcom, you have recently been given two amazing case studies. One brilliant and one fucking shit. The brilliant one, shown on Channel 4, is Ricky Gervais' latest creation Derek. The shit one, shown on BBC Three, is Bluestone 42.

To me, the more creative and daring a sitcom is - the better it is. So you'd think the one set in Helmand Province would be better than the one set in an old folk's home. But no, just no!

Derek was one of the most moving and funny shows I've ever seen. I was so gripped in by all of the characters. Each one I loved in their own way and I cared so much about them, I was moved so much by every single action. 

In Bluestone 42, frankly, I couldn't give a toss about these characters. They are a bomb disposal unit, you see them crawling around next to an IED and you just find yourself not giving a toss about whether or not they get blown up. These are all just one-dimensional figures, not characters just faces and hence no-one cares. They're not even funny, you can't laugh at someone who you can't conceive. They're also not funny because they've not assigned funny lines to characters based on what that character is supposed to be like, they've instead just thought up some almost amusing lines and assigned them at random to characters in order to make it seem about even! That's just bloody terrible.

I'm sure there was more I wanted to say on the topic but I've realised this blog really isn't that funny, sorry about that. 

By the way, I was thinking on doing a blog were a reviewed all the adverts I saw, would that be funny? Might do it in a few days.

:p

Over and out, I've been Russell Parker and this has been shit.

Vague and pointless ramblings

So I haven't blogged for a while. I'd like to apologise to my readership so: Ben I'm sorry I haven't blogged for a while. It's ok Ben, I've come to accept you're my only reader.
That's part of the reason why I haven't been so motivated to blog lately because, to be honest, I've told him all this at school! The stats say I have other readers all over the world but I doubt many of these people could really be called "readers". But anyway, I thought I'd try to blog anyway on the off chance someone else will read it.
So here we go the second relaunch of the blog!

I was motivated to blog my adventures on Friday in the snow. Due to exams and that it has taken this long for me to record them and, to be honest, they are now vague memories that don't really seem worthy of a blog of their own! But basically two different gobby children used the phrase "come at me Bruv" which was obviously hilarious. Some other stuff happened but CBA with that, I'm sure I can find something more interesting to blog about.
There has to be something...

....hmmmm, something to blog about.....

Have you noticed that, in that new song by Will.I.am and Britney Spears, there's a line: "when you hear this in the club, you gonna turn it up". Well that's fucking stupid because, whilst I am no clubbing veteran, I am pretty sure that when one is in the club (by the way, why do all these songs say "the club", THERE'S MORE THAN ONE CLUB! IT IS NOT A PROPER NOUN!) an individual DOES NOT HAVE INDIVIDUAL CONTROL OF THE BLOODY VOLUME!
Anyway, that was fun. I've never done outrage in brackets during another bit of outrage. Such fun!

There has to be a proper anecdote I have...

I could do another film review, That went down well. Well, it didn't but I'm really struggling for ideas!

If I don't think of anything soon then I'll do a film review. I watched Cemetery Junction, it was really good. But like I said, I won't review it unless I'm REALLY STUCK!

Recently, I've started to spend a lot more of my time fantasising about being a professional footballer. I hope it isn't the first sign of madness.

Still no ideas...

I could do something political but that would be pointless. None of my opinions are original. I only hold opinions derivative of the Guardian.
Maybe you should read the Guardian instead of this. They're like actual professional journalists. I, on the other hand am not.

But that is besides the point, I still haven't thought of an idea for my blog.

Erm....

To be honest it's probably long enough now.
Apologies that it is fucking appalling.

I'll try harder next time.

If you did enjoy this, I know you didn't but it's worth a punt, then follow me on twitter. I am @Russell_LParker
Lol, who am I kidding, no one is going to end up on the blog other than people who have seen me tweet it!

Noodles and nutters (14/10/12)

So, in the last blog, I said I would do one of these for every day but frankly I can't be arsed and some days are proper dull and I have nothing to write about. But I am going to write one today - about yesterday (Sunday 14th Oct)

 I was up at 7. I had big plans. A day of important school work and a few other bits and pieces. But obviously very little of that happened because I am literally the laziest person I know! I could probably blame it on my cold but tbh that would be foolish because it was very similar to the previous Sunday and the one before that and the one before that!

I was quite ill though - I didn't even have any breakfast! (Although I more than made up for it later but I'll come onto it - be patient!) 

The one job I did manage to get done was tidy up my room - and boy did it need it!! It was a write tip - you couldn't move for discarded plastic bottles and university prospectuses. But now it looks quite nice and that's quite nice!

I don't remember much between then and Sunday lunch. Which is odd because Sunday Lunch weren't served till 2! Something must have happened in-between. I know, though, it'll have been one of two things:

a) I fell asleep.

b) I was wanking. This one is more likely tbh, I'm normally wanking!

Anyway. 

In the afternoon I watched a couple of films. Most people wouldn't bat an eyelid but it's odd behaviour for me, I normally watch 2 films a year! I must clarify though - I don't subscribe to some film channel/ service; nor did I purchase DVDs. These would be proper weird behaviours. The kind that a filmo would do! I am definitely not a filmo! 

No, I watched them on the BBC iPlayer. I love the BBC. And the iPlayer makes me love them even more! People often moan about license fees and such but it's only a few quid  and you get some bloody marvellous programmes. And you get the iPlayer which means you can watch even more of them! I can't count the number of times I've just been bored and scrolling through iPlayer only to find something brilliant I wouldn't have otherwise watched! (why just before I wrote this I discovered that the first 2 episodes of Gavin & Stacey were on the iPlayer. I've never watched this but heard it's quite good - so I thought: fuck it! Lets watch! And I'm glad I did, they were proper funny!)

Anyway, films!

(Should warn that I will be giving away the ending of both films so don't get annoyed - I've warned you!)

The first film I watched was a weird one. It was plainly set in London and used British actors but it had a sickeningly American feel to it! This film is called "Sliding doors". 

It was an odd plot. This woman got fired from her job for nicking vodka. She then went to get the tube home. She was running for the tube but it was already sitting there as she came down the stairs. And this is where it gets odd - the film splits up into two: one where she catches the tube, one where she misses it. 

In the one where she misses it, she goes and gets a cab. This is where I first take issue! Admittedly I don't live in London but whenever I've been there the tubes seem to be between every 2 minutes and every 10 minutes. She had nothing to do with her day now anyway so why did he go and get a cab? It's totes illogical! Anyway, as the cab is pulling up, some guy attempts to mug her and only achieves in causing her a minor cut above the eye. Nevertheless, the cabby decides to take her to A&E when a plaster would do! This whole ordeal means she is quite late getting home. (Incidentally, her name is Helen. Names are gonna be important because pronouns alone will make my dissection quite confusing!) Meanwhile, in the other version of reality when Helen catches the tube, Helen has got back to her flat to catch her boyfriend (Gerry) in bed with another girl (Lydia). Obviously, Helen isn't best pleased and fucks off and stays with her friend (Anna). Also, on the tube, Helen got chatting to a creepy Scottish bloke (James). (If you're thinking about the Helen that got into the cab - don't. This version of reality is quite dull other than she becomes a waitress instead of a sandwich delivery woman like she does in the other reality) Later on Anna takes Helen out to drink and that but they bump into James again. Anyway, at the end of the night James takes Anna & Helen in his cab to take them home and that. Anyway, at some point later James takes Helen out on a date to get milkshake and they eventually get together. I don't remember what happens next but here's the state of play going into the final scenes:

One: Helen, who caught the tube, is happily with James. However she's pregnant by him but hasn't told him yet. Meanwhile, Gerry has split up with Lydia because she doesn't like the fact that he is still obsessed with Helen. Also, Lydia is pregnant by Gerry but no-one cares because we don't see them in the final scenes.

Two: Helen discovered that Gerry was fucking Lydia all along. They split up but unbeknownst to Gerry Helen is carrying his baby. Although, before Helen found out Lydia, Lydia and Gerry had actually split. Also, Lydia was still carrying Gerry's baby!

So, everyone clear? Then I shall present the final scenes in a table format:

One	Two
Helen stupidly stands in the middle of the road when a van hits her. Which is her own fucking fault because SHE WAS STANDING IN A FUCKING ROAD! Anyway, an ambulance takes her to hospital! James goes with her.	For some reason, I remember not why, she falls down some stairs. She goes in ambulance. Even though she’s just split up from Gerry, he goes with her anyway.
James finds out Helen was pregnant when he’s told she’s lost her baby.	Gerry finds out Helen was pregnant when he’s told she’s lost her baby.
Helen dies. L	Helen pulls through and immediately tells Gerry to fuck off. Gets in a lift and meets James. We presume they live happily ever after…

I think the reason why I find this film so odd is because it didn't have an obvious point. 

This blog has really dragged so far - don't worry though, I'm at least a third of the way through what i wanted to write. (I wish that was a joke!)

So, the second film I watched was an even weirder film called "Sydney White". This was billed as a modern retelling of snow white. It wasn't really.

Unlike the first film which just felt American - this film was unashamedly, in-your-face American. 

It was set at an American university. There was a lot in this film that I had to Google. There was a lot of cultural stuff which is really un-British!

Anyway, this girl (Sydney White) arrives at a uni. She is a kappa pledge (means she might be joining this weird social elite group) but she is only one through "legacy" (her mum was in it) not because she's rich. Anyway, she gets kicked out by their leader bitch. She goes and lives with these seven creepy blokes in some death-trap shit-hole. The Kappa peeps pretty much run the student council despite taking 20% of student population. So Sydney decides her and the 7 creepy blokes will run for student council - her as president over the bitch girl. Anyway, they decide to represent the minorities so they go see transvestites reading poetry and jews. Then a debate comes. Thing is its the same day that Sydney's final essay is due in. The day before the bitch girl pays some nerd to put a virus on her computer and it all dies. Sydney spends the whole night we-writing, does it, but then nearly sleeps through the debate! :o So some fit bloke comes and kisses her awake!! She turns up for the debate but its just her seven creeps and the kappa girls there!! Then suddenly a brassband, a transvestite and a shitload of jews show up! Annoyingly, they defy the debate format (the chair does nothing to stop this) while everyone says there a dork. Its a bit shit. They should have debated. Sydney had better policies! But, regardless, the film never goes as far as the election so who cares who wins!

Some other things in the film:

• Because they felt the need to have a parallel to the mirror in snow white, there is this creepy anti-feminist thing where guys rank girls.
• One of the creepy seven gets with a cute girl because they bonded over having a gluten allergy!

Anyway, the film was, technically at least, proper shit! However, it was quite funny and I got into it! I do recommend it if you want a totally unchallenging film to watch while you're half asleep!

In the evening, we went for noodles and stuff (by we, I mean me and my nerd crew). I'm sure there where things I was gonna say about that but this has dragged on quite a lot so I'll leave it. 

Also, I was gonna talk about that guy that guy who judged from the "edge of space". I was gonna be witty about whether it really was the edge of space and why someone would do that. Hence "nutters" in the title. I will leave this one line that I would have used because it's damn funny: 

The people who really annoy me are those who say "I've always wanted to do a sky dive, I'm gonna do one for charity!" What? You said you've always wanted to do it. Does that mean I can do masturbating and watching jeremy kyle for charity?

Anyway, I'm bored now so I'll be off soon.

While writing this, I've been watching newsnight. There were discussing Scottish independence. It got me angry. Devo max is obviously the best way forward but it's not even a fucking option!!

Anyway, goodbye you weird weird people. If you got this far - get help seriously. This was awful!!

(PS sorry for the weird formatting of pirctures. I'm not sure why it is but I'm going to bed so fuck you!!)

Bla, bla, bla... something witty... Twitter: @Russell_LParker

EDIT:

I can't believe I forgot to include this originally but I did get the most amazing fortune cookie fortune EVER!! Here it is:

I know the picture's not very clear, it reads: "BRITISH GAS HAS MADE A MISTAKE, YOU WILL GET A REBATE". I don't even think I need any of my standard wit for this, it's just brilliant enough already!

Start of the new format. 6/10/12

So I haven't posted much recently. I've had a few mini-ideas for blogs but never actually had anything proper enough to write a proper blog. So, I've made a decision, seeing as blog is a corruption of web log, I thought I would turn my blog into just that - a log. Or, as it's more commonly known, a diary. It's been a busy few days so I thought I would retrospectively cover them. Starting with Saturday:

This was the day I was going to see my beloved Reading FC away at Swansea City. This meant having to get up at 7, well it didn't - it actually meant having to get up at 8 but I wanted my sausage sandwich beforehand so I was up at 7. Seven is an interesting time, no-one can deny it's early but in midweek you wouldn't bat an eyelid - at the weekend it is annoying. But not that bad - a fortnight later I'll have to be up by 6 because we're away to Liverpool that day.

So anyway, I got up and that and went down to the Madstad (local nickname for Reading's Madejski Stadium) to hop on the coach. I don't have much to say about the journey down. We crossed the bridge in good time and got to Magor services within an hour and a half. It always shocks me just how close Wales is. I like to romanticise Wales as a very different place. My grandma and her family are from Rhondda and I always feel like it's some simpler place that I have a natural connection to. In reality that is bollocks. And as I said, I can never get over how close Wales is, if you say you're going to Wales for the day it sounds proper long but if you say you're going to just the other side of Bristol it sounds like a short journey. And, at the end of the day, that's all south Wales is - that bit on the other side of Bristol.

We arrived at the ground at 13.30. The end bit of the journey is very convenient, like most modern grounds it's been built as close to a motorway junction as is safe. I like this. This blog is getting dull so I'll try to pick it up a bit.

The Liberty Stadium is beautiful, well not beautiful but nice. Very good view, even for a modern ground. I also had a lovely chicken curry pie. That's brilliant.

The game came and went, I may watch a lot of football but I know nothing about it really so I won't analyse it too much but basically we were 2-0 up at half time despite only getting the ball twice. The second half was similar only they were the one that got 2 goals. Bummer. But, at least it meant 22 hours out the relegation zone. 

And then it was time for the journey back. First some context. I had been invited to one of my bessie mate's 18th party. I say party it was just some people in a house. It was due to start at 7. I couldn't see me getting there before 9. This, horribly, would mean I'd miss the Chinese takeaway. The pressure was on for us to get back as quick as we could.

The journey back was fairly dull to be honest. Except for one thing. A quite touching moment I thought. It really summed up Blokeiness. It involved the three blokes sat behind me. I will name them bloke 1, bloke 2 and bloke 3. In reality bloke 2 wasn't involved but I feel it necessary to point out he was there. 

Bloke 1: Did Steve tell you we lost the baby?

Bloke 3: No, shit! Sorry to hear that!

Bloke 1: Yeh, well we're just gonna have to keep trying I suppose.

Bloke 3: Well it means more fun for you then!

Bloke 2: That's why his missus is so sad, it isn't fun for her!

It really was amazingly, beautifully blokey. Sad new comes up and within seconds it's turned back to laughing and banter. Just brilliant - gotta keep laughing.

Anyway, back to my race against time. We got on the motorway at Swansea at 17:12; that in itself was incredible as a fortnight earlier, at West Brom, we hadn't left the vicinity of the ground till 17:45 due to the sheer weight of traffic; and incredibly we got back the the madstad at 19:44! I couldn't believe it - just an hour and a half to get from Swansea to Reading IN A FUCKING COACH!!!! Bloody incredible. Anyway, I ended up beating the Chinese food to the party arriving from 20:05 and all I could go on about was that I'd got back from Swansea in an hour and a half in a fucking coach!!

Enjoyed this?

What, you have!!

Bloody hell, why? This is shit!!

Well I suppose you'll want to be following me on twitter: @Russell_LParker

Awkwardly excited about the Olympics.

So the Olympics are under way, well the football is anyway, and the ceremony is in (about) 24 hours time. There's little you can do about it now. I must admit that even until a week ago I wasn't bothered - but now? IT' THE MOTHERFUCKIN' OLYMPICS EVERYONE! I am now ashamedly excited.

I do of course sympathise with the olympophobes that remain. And I have a confession to make - the Olympics in Britain is basically my fault. In year 5, I wrote the IOC a letter, one week before we were awarded the games, to ensure the games came to Britain. In my defence I was forced to write, along with the rest of 5VW, by my teacher but, admittedly, I did put all my persuasive juices into the letter and, therefore, it was undoubtedly me who stole the Olympics off of Paris. So for that I apologise for the Olymposceptics.

But lets not beat about the bush - they're hear now and I'm buzzing. I don't want to be but I am. I'm so buzzing in fact that, when inspecting the schedules for Saturday morning across the BBC's 24 dedicated channels (24 dedicated channels filled with live feeds - how fucking cool is that?), I found myself exclaiming "oh shit, the basketball clashes with the archery!".

Hmmm, what to say now? I normally have a point to make when I blog - the fact I didn't think of one just shows how fuckin' buzzin' I am!

I will now fill out the blog with some intermittent random sentences.

Did you know?
- The Nazis are to thank for Olympic football. Not originally but it had been abolished due to the emergence of the world cup but Hitler's government realised that to make any money they needed the ticket sales generated by football and so re-introduced it for the 1936 games.
- The Nazis invented the Olympic torch relay. In the past, the flame was picked up in Greece and dropped off in the host city but it was the Nazi's idea to get people to dick about with it.
- I've run out of things to say.

Goodbye.

Follow me on twitter: @Russell_LParker

In defence of Chris Moyles (fuck you Eve Barlow)

I'm a big fan of radio. I think it's bloody brilliant. Many people; and, unfortunately, often the BBC, consider television to be a step up from radio but I don't think that's accurate. I think that what the great broadcasters can do in a radio studio is absolute magic.

Furthermore, I'm a big fan of the Chris Moyles show. I think it's bloody brilliant. It' one of the very few how that I don't like missing and will actually go to the iPlayer to catch up. And I'm not just talking about Chris Moyles himself but the team: "comedy" Dave Vitty, Dominic Byrne (who really cracks me up), Tina and Aled (who, arguably, is the one that really holds the show together).

So, as you'd expect, I was a little disappointed yesterday when Chris announced on the show that he would be leaving the breakfast show in September. No more than a little disappointed though - I know that Chris, Dave, Dom (and hopefully Tina and Aled) will pop up somewhere else that it maybe more suitable than what Ben Cooper wants the Radio 1 breakfast show to be. I'm also only a little disappointed because, it seems, Chris left on his own terms - jumped before he was pushed.

It was later revealed that Nick Grimshaw would be taking over the breakfast show. Fair enough. Maybe a bit of a snub for Greg James but I don't really care.
I've listened to a few of Grimmy's shows before and they're alright. They're probably not for me though. I'll say that for now because I have the decency to hold judgement unlike a few people who have felt the need to throw in their two cents about Mr. Moyles. It seems that it is not possible for people to just say "I'm not a fan" but that people always feel the need to go on an ill-informed, narcissistic rant that shows they don't really listen to the show.

A prime example of this was by someone called Eve Barlow. Who writes a "music blog" (has there anything been anything more able to make you lose all faith in humanity. Surely a music blog should just be "ooh that sounds good" or "hmm no I don't like that so much"). This Eve girl decided that one of her music blogs should focus on radio for some reason. This was an incredibly typical of the rubbish that is written about Moyles all the time. If you want to read the drivel, do it here:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/music/musicblog/2012/jul/12/chris-moyles-nick-grimshaw

If you've read it then hopefully you'll realise on your own terms that it's fucking silly but if not I will dissect it.

Paragraph 1: She wines on about him yawning. She really overplay this. I think he yawns maybe once on a show. He is on the air at 6.30 every morning. He will be tired. When I listen, I am also tired. I yawn. He yawns. All other listeners will be yawning. I don't want to hear some overly polished fake show. Yes he is relaxed - this is good. I find it very endearing to hear people chat as if they're chatting.

And "loaded, lad culture" why? On what basis? He likes to talk about diet and the gym. He also talks about the family life of Dom and Aled's relationship. This is not laddish.

Paragraph 2: And now we hit the classic ego shtick as she moans about him slamming down the phone on callers. Which, in four years of listening, I think I've heard him do twice and both times when I was begging him to do so because the caller was so awful. Sure he's not this artificially lovely person that Sara Cox makes herself on the radio but what he does is play for laughs.
I can't help but think that this makes him fairly ego free. He isn't making the kind of "please love me" radio that you get from Fearne Cotton but works tirelessly to make his audience laugh. He often jokes that the show is all about him but it isn't any more about him than any other radio how is about it's host. He makes the show about the funniest tool he has to hand. This big ego is mythical.
And a for the lusting after females thing. Well yes, he does do that and it can be a bit cringy but it is what blokes do talk about but do you know what - you're right it'd be better if he didn't but he is just being himself.
Oh and it's not "Jesus of radio". It is "saviour of radio". Minor difference I know but hows little research has gone into this article. And whenever he says this it is so obviously sarcastic. And it is worth noting that it was a play on Howard Stern's "king of all media".

Then she/you (I've changed tenses more than once already) goes on about his discussion of the Gay pride festival last week. It is worth noticing that he is not discussing it with "the camp one" but his producer Aled Hayden Jones who is in a same sex relationship. And never have I seen a conversation so badly represented.   
Eve says: Moyles goes into Alpha Male bullying mode to ridicule the celebrations, reducing them to a show of "glitter and hot pants"
This really isn't what happened. He was asking, as he has previously, whether it was not wrong for most/ all of the pride parade floats to be overly camp, flamboyant and somewhat feminine when there are many gay men who are not like this. He has had previous discussions where he suggested a float with gay men just drinking beer watching the football because that represents them. I thought this was funny but it certainly not homophobic.  
The nearest he has ever come to being homophobic was when, in response to Aled being unkeen to spend any period of the rest of the team socially, he accused Aled of being hetrophobic and asked "what have you got against us breeders?" That is obviously not homophobic and the heavily sarcastic nature proved this.


And then she's back to the yawning. I've already addressed this. He talks like someone talking rather than this weird slick thing. It doesn't mean he thinks he's better than Radio 1. It means he's a bit tired and not hiding it.


Paragraph 3: "a home for bound together enthusiasts". Please don't try to claim that it is a home for enthusiasts of music. Fearne Cotton, Scott Mills, Greg James aren't this any more than Chris and his team are. And if you mean a home for enthusiasts of radio then there isn't one bigger than Chris. Read his biography. he's been doing radio since he was eleven.

And then she mentions that Radio 1 bills himself itself as the home of new music. Well, the fact it fails on that is not Chris's fault. He plays music from the playlist. The same playlist Grimmy will have to pick from. It's a shit playlist but that isn't relevant. For good music see BBC 6music with a less restrictive shitty playlist.


Last paragraph: Apparently, the great thing about Grimmy (who remember I'm not going to judge yet) is not his clever radio or in fact anything on-air. The great thing about Grimmy is that he knows the words to songs and sings along to gigs. So fucking what? I don't care what he knows about music. We need someone who can provide us with entertaining features between shitty playlist songs.


The bottom line being I like Chris Moyles, I might like Grimmy. I am not a fan of Fearne Cotton but I do not need to repeat old, tired, inaccurate,  narcissistic rant about it. That is all.


I'll miss not waking up to Chris but hopefully he (and his team) will be given a more appropriate platform.

I can be your customer, I can be your product. But make your fucking mind up!!

Last Friday I went to the cinema. I went to see Prometheus, it was actually much better than I was expecting and a thoroughly enjoyable film; but I'm not going to review - there are plenty of twats that have done that already!

But my point is that I went to the cinema for a showing at 13.15 on a weekday. This meant that the ticket price was discounted because it was a "matinee" showing.
"Brilliant" I thought "it will be really cheap!"
I also used my NUS card which meant that I got a further discount on my ticket.
"Wizzo" went my internal monologue "this will be practically free!"

Oh how wrong I was!

"That will be £9.30 please"

WHAT?? NINE POUND THIRTY, WHAT, ARE YOU MUGGING ME OFF!

That was my internal reaction but because I'm British I actually just said "OK" and handed over a tenner.

At this point I looked at my receipt and discovered something.

£1.20 of the £9.30 was for the 3D glasses!
WHAT??
That is extortion!
I went to see a film that needed these glasses to make it viewable and not a blurry mess. I.E. If these glasses are not used then the film is worthless.
I am already being charged £8.10 to enter the room and sit down to look at the screen - I don't think it needs to be pointed out that this, in itself, is too much!
But, in order to make this actually worth anything, another £1.20 must be spent.
Now I understand if I was charged cost price - the cinema doesn't want its already extraordinary profit margin eroded.
But there is no way in hell the cot price of these glasses was £1.20, at least £1.10 of that must be profit.

Frankly, this makes my blood boil!

But, at least, I could now sit down and just enjoy my film.
WRONG!
Having already been charged £9.30 to enter the room and be able to watch the film, for the first twenty five minutes in the room I had to watch adverts.
By the way, the Pepsi logo was also pasted all over my ticket and receipt!
But, there was also TWENTY-FIVE MINUTES of adverts.
There was about sixty people in the room, presuming about £8 profit on each person (I can tell you for a fact that this cinema has a policy of paying minimum wage only!) then that means that there was already a profit of £480 just from that showing's tickets alone!
But obviously, this wasn't enough because they forced adverts down our throats!

Now, I in no way object to being advertised at. I'm quite happy to be the product in this business model. When I watch Channel 4 the adverts don't bother me at all because I'm watching quality programming for free! FOR FREE! Here, I am the product which Channel 4 are selling to the advertisers and its a pleasure!

But, in this context, I'm not really the product am I?
Because a few minutes back you charged me an extortionate entry fee!
That makes me your customer!

So, if I'm your customer then you'll surely show me no more than three adverts.

But you actually showed over forty adverts/trailers, therefore I am a product and surely I should be entering for a fee no more than cost price, or ideally free!

But you get the idea. There are two possible business models: Product (enter for little or no fee and see adverts) or customer (pay a larger fee but see little or no adverts).
So Showcase Cinemas in Loddon Bridge, Reading (thought I would name and shame): I can be your customer, I can be your product. But make your fucking mind up!! I will not be both!

If you found this remotely amusing, interesting, thought-provoking, enraging, life-changing, incriminating or arousing then follow me on twitter: www.twitter.com/Russell_LParker

It's not just the French that are odd

My new neighbours are French.

The amusing thing to do would probably be to fire off a load of racist stereotypes about why having French neighbours is terrible.

However I'm not going to do that because
a) I'm not a racist
but more importantly

b)I'm glad they moved in:

it's nice to not have a bunch of chavs smoking in a banged up car playing loud music

and it's nice not to have four vehicles next door of which one was a huge van but instead just have one small car even if that is a Renault Ragoo.

However, them being French is still significant because none of them speak great English therefore all we really no about them is that they are a couple with two young children and that their French.

And so, inevitably, when we mention that we have new neighbours, them being French is one of the first things to come up.

And it was when my Mum mentioned it to a former work colleague, but perhaps this was actually relevant because that former work colleague is also French.

And here we hit the bulk of what's on my mind, what you've already read is mere build up and filler.

My Mum's former colleagues response was, reportedly, "oh, you should pass on my number it would be nice to meet up with some other French people."

This response seemed rather odd to me.

What we have is person A who is a, presumably, fully rounded human with thoughts and opinions, likes and dislikes, hobbies and interests and, incidentally, is originally from France. And yet they have come to a decision that it is worth a social interaction with person B purely on the basis that they are also from France.

Here's France as I found it on a map just to show it is bloody massive.*

Now France is not a small place, I found it on a map - it's bloody massive. If I was living abroad, heaven forbid, I would not, necessarily, show any interest in befriending someone because I heard they were British - I mean they could be a Geordie!

According to Wikipedia, there are between 200,000 and 300,000 French-born people in the UK and 8,000,000 of French descent; i.e. they are not difficult to find.

A French person is not such a rare thing that it was even worth meeting up just to go "you'll never guess what - I'm only French as well!"
It's not as if they're from the Pitcairn Islands!

But anyway, this got me thinking, it's not just the French that are odd - this is quite typical of all us silly humans.

We seem to be drawn to dividing up our society upon the most simply defined lines.

I mean, just think about the number of groups there are for the youth or elderly!

Youth groups never really appealed to me. I mean have you ever met a youth? 80% are pricks. 

That's nothing against young people. 80% of all people are pricks.

We seem to have became much more keen on the idea of youth groups in recent years. Just think of BBC Children in Need; in between all the worthy cases, there are youth groups who claim it is important that there youth group remains open because the opportunity to play table tennis in a village hall with someone else who just so happens to be of a vaguely similar age will stop them from stabbing someone.

Don't get me wrong, I do believe that having something to do is probably good for you.

But why are we doing this by age? If you're that into table tennis join a table tennis club!!

Anyway, I think I might of made my point. I'm sure this was meant to have more of a profound end but it just sort of petered off so I'll write a conclusion and be on my way.

So what have we learnt here?
That the French feel overly united?
That we need some sort of revolutionary social reconstruction?
That we are misguided in raising funds for youth groups?
No, well you might have, but what I've learnt is that what I think makes much more sense before I attempt to articulate them.

This is probably why my english teacher always told me to plan first.


*Actually, you're right this is a crap picture to put in but I felt that the blog was too long for only one visual break. I wanted a picture pertaining to table tennis but they were all like Olympic players. I wanted a picture of a youth playing it but I learnt, unfortunately, that you should never type "table tennis teenager" into Google Image whilst your mum's in the room.



If you found this remotely amusing, interesting, thought-provoking, enraging, life-changing, incriminating or arousing then follow me on twitter: www.twitter.com/Russell_LParker

And in many ways the Queen and Boris Johnson are quite similar

So the jubilee...that happened!

And wasn't it just so...all right I suppose!

If I'm honest I'm not too fussed about the monarchy - I wouldn't have one if I was starting a country but seeing as they're there it doesn't bother me. But what really shocks me is that this is rather negative compared to the mood of the country who seem to show unwavering enthusiasm for the Queen and the monarchy. In fact, it would seem the five or six of those I follow on twitter, who are anti-royalists and found the whole thing quite offensive, were seemingly the entirety of Britons who aren't mad for the Queen.

And this, initially, seemed a bit odd to me in an age where:

• religious numbers are dwindling meaning people no longer revere here as a leader of the church or see her as one appointed by God.
• people are struggling financially so people might not have time for a mega-rich woman who lives off the state.

Another person who is quite popular nowadays is Boris Johnson who, despite being an ineffective buffoon, has been re-elected Mayor of London and is loved even by people who would normally loathe the Conservatives. And in many ways the Queen and Boris Johnson are quite similar i.e there both loved because they go around waving at people and being amusing without actually doing anything and in this era that is exactly what people want because invariably whenever someone in power does something they fuck it up. People seem to love having someone who looks powerful and important and like they know what they're doing without actually having to rely on them for anything because inevitably, no matter how much it looks like someone knows what they're doing, invariably they don't - the Queen and Boris are not allowed to shatter this illusion.

This is probably why Santa Claus is still so popular - he rides around looking important and like he know what he's doing but he never fucks up; admittedly he is helped by his lack of existence but nevertheless the fact that he looks like he knows what he's doing and isn't fucking up is a winning combination for popularity.

So, what have we learnt here? I suppose it's probably that if you're in a position of power whatever you do don't do anything or you'll fuck up and people will realise who hit you are. Or maybe even go one step better and instead of not doing anything try not existing instead!

If you found this remotely amusing, interesting, thought-provoking, enraging, life-changing, incriminating or arousing then follow me on twitter: www.twitter.com/Russell_LParker